Rollercoaster Ride

I absolutely don't know how to process this loss. I am iterally drowning in sadness, anger and, hopelessness.  I'm a strong woman who has been through much, but this has rocked me to my knees.  

I have lost every single person that I would call when feeling desperate or depressed.  Of course I have friends, very important, close friends.  But when is enough enough? My friends, my little inner circle have issues and life changing events that isnt always good.

I want to be there for them. I want to be the friend like they have been for me, for so long.  Yet, every day, after a very long day at work. I go to my bedroom, pour a glass of wine and sit on the side of my bed.  Door open, I'm not secluding, but I'm not functioning. All day at work, I produce, do my job. but not at home. I sit. Promising myself I'll get up and do something. Clean out Matt's drawers, closet.  He isn't fucking coming back.  What the hell am I waiting for?  Does me getting rid of my husband's things mean I didn't or don't care, that I'm moving forward? No, not at all. Just trying to breath again, normally. Just breath.

I have been so angry with Matt for not "showing" himself to me. To let me know know he is ok. I was sure he would. How screwed up is that?  Mad at the dead guy.? But I was. Then, the other morning I woke up at 4:30am to our bedroom  permiated with the smell of Old Spice.  He sprayed that on himself everyday.  The bottle is still on his dresser.  I cant bring myself to move it. Cowboy didn't sense anything as he slept wedged next to me.  But I knew it was Matt.  Letting me know he wasn't mad at me for "killing" him (taking the tube out) and was there for me and letting me know I did the right thing.   

We all go through it, but this ride. This mad Rollercoaster ride with Matt, with all the ups and downs was worth it; I just wasnt ready for the ride to end.  I really miss you Santa !!  And baby, I'm trying.

Dear Matt

Dear Matt,

Hello love. I went to take a shower the other day and realized I had none of my soap left. No big deal, but when you would tell me your worth as a man and husband were nill; it's times like this that remind me what I always told you my dear. 

You ran that house. Small things like always having soap, toilet paper, paper towels, every daily essentials.  They were always just there. I always appreciated it and told you so many times.  Yet you still felt inferior as a man. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

You dusted, moped and tidied up everything.  At Christmas time I would come home and the house would be decorated; so perfectly.

On the days you weren't too tired, dinner would be ready when I got home.

When Brittany would try to mop the floors or vacuum,  you would thank her; but that was your job. 

I hope with all my heart that you realized your worth. I know your family did. 

Matt, you made all the changes in my life after my promotion at work doable.  You were there for me every single day at 5;00 when I would call you after work. You would listen to me cry, vent and be boast about my day. You always listened and were there for me. 

I'm lost without that. Brittany and Shayne get the calls now. Not really fair for them really.  Yet they listen and are patient.  

I'll make it through this a stronger person.  It's going to take time.  Too much time.

Right now, I just don't want to ever get out of bed. 

I love you my dear. I miss you

I'm a Widow

Have you ever been sitting around, minding your own business and a random thought just popped into your head? The other day I was chilling at the inlet, having a cry and it occurred to me; I'm a widow.  I'm a fucking widow.

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the "title". Hate it actually.  It kind of solidified that my husband was gone; forever. It's not a long hospital stay, it's permanent. He's not coming back. Ever. 

I knew that, of course, when he died, but that title or badge if you will rocked me to my core. Where do I even go from here? We had plans that incorporated his declining health. We made preparations for that.  But yet, he died.  He left me.

My children are struggling, each in their own way. How can I go to them with my grief when they are struggling on their own?  I can't intude on their process of sorry. I need to be there for them. Not the other way around.

My co-workers are wonderful, but yet again, are going through their own issues.  And have been dealing with me and Matt's health for years.  When is it time to give them a break, a pass from listening to me and my sorrow at the loss of so many in my family? My crying moments at my desk?

My friends are amazing. They are always there for me, always and ways have been.  But they have lives and trials and issues as well.  

I am lost, in limbo. Half of who I have been for over 40 years is now permanently gone. I don't even know who I am anymore.  I was half of a couple. Now, I'm just one. 

My parents are gone, my sisters are gone. My husband and Uncle Bob is gone, my confidant, my co-worker of 35 yeas is gone.  

I am heartbroken that they died, yet the  selfish side of me is angry that they left me. Matt promised me he wouldn't leave.  Yet he did. I am devastated for him, and for me. He had so much more to do, to see, to love.

I have no idea where my path is now. No idea of tomorrow. But I'll navigate it the best I can and accept my limitations and not fight my grief.  There is a process and I will take it where it leads me.  The good the bad and the ugly. 

As long as I get up every day, do my best and realize that I am allowed to grieve in my own way and in my time; however short or long it takes.

I will be there for my family the best I can be. We are and will survive this together; the four of us. Arguments and disagreements aside, we are strong and will unite together in the end. Thats what Matt wanted.

This was a severe gut punch for all of us.  Matt always came back home; until he didn't....

EULOGY FOR MY HUSBAND

First I'd like to thank everyone for coming today to celebrate Matt's life. He was loved and cared for by so many.  I wish that Matt had known his worth long before he did. He was a complicated, complex, man for a very long time.  Family saw it, others didn't,  which is the way it should be i guess. I always knew what kind of man he was, a good, strong , kind man.  I'm sorry it took him so long to see it for himself.  

During those years if the kids had to share something, ask something or admit to something I always got the phone call first.  If they wanted to ask their dad a question, they called me first as well.  What kind of mood is he in, shoukd we ask now or wait? I gave them my best advice and I always  reminded the kids that whatever the question was, that dad was going to say no. Which he always did. Then, more often then not he would stop, think about it and say, sure, yes why not.  

But for all the years he was struggling,  he had moments of pure compassion, kindness and empathy. Which was the real man. Those memories are etched in my mind. I would want to shake him and say" this is who you are, can't you see, not that angry loner. " 

Some of his early moments that stick out for me was when shayne was playing baseball for the school. He was ok but he was convinced if he had this special bat he could do better.  It cost 105.00 and that was a lot then. Well unbenost to me Matt showed up to the next game with that bat for Shayne. The look on both their faces will always be with me. I honestly don't know who was happier. Shayne or Matt. Pure joy of appreciation and acceptance on both of their faces.   

Another was with Brittany. Brittany always loved old cars, specifically Subirbans. And she always wanted to learn how to repair them. So she asked her father to teach her. Absolutely I will help and teach you. He showed her everything he knew. It was such a happy time for him. And for Brittany. On one such occasion working on Brittany's old surban with her, he got the step ladder out, climbed up and proceeded to get into it. I will never the forget the sight of my husband, legs stiking straight out of the motor explaining to Brittany how to do something, so serious.  It was hysterical. His passion was real. They spent many days under the hood of that truck.  He taught her much.  

Anthony. For dad, watching you play soccer was a highlight of his weekends.  He was so proud of you and how determined and serious you took it. And then watching you with your BMX bike.  Pride swelled from him watching you.  But one of the proudest dad was of you when you were young was when a picture of you surfaced from your 8th grade trip.you were the only student in the picture with their hand over your heart during either the flag raising or national anthem. That one made him tear up. At some point in your lives you three have all frustrated, angered, and delighted him.. 

Brittany. When you ran your own company and how you raised Madison. Shayne, Anthony when you both jointled the Marines. He loved you all so much. 

Now, I don't think anyone doesn't know this but when Matt married me I had two small children. Shayne and Brittany. He didn't just marry me, he married all three if us.  It wasn't always easy but the love was there, always. After we had Anthony, never, ever did he not see all three of his children as the same, his. 

It wasnt easy for Matt to articulate his feelings though. But one time Matt and I went to dinner at a local bar that was changing ownership. We were sitting with the outgoing owners, and every time they were bought a drink, so were Matt and I. Matt was drinking martinis. Then to the Moby Dick for more. We got driven home, I wentto the house to get the kids to help me get their dad in the  and in bed. All he kept saying in that drunk, emotional voice. Was. "I LOVE YOU GIYS. IM SORRY I DONT SAY IT ENOUGH" It was so sweet and so funny at the same time.  

And then, as Matt started to age I could see the anger and self doubt start to strip away.  It was a slow process but one day Matt called me at work, crying. He said, Nancy the kids are calling me now and not you.  It was a profound moment for him.  From there it was all up hill. Matt's coat of protecting armor melted and the true man came out. 

He was an amazing father, husband, poppop and friend. He smiled and laughed openly, a lot for the first time in a long time. 

Then came the grandchildren. To say he he adored them would be an inderstatement. 

Madison, our oldest grandchild has been nothing but an absolute joy. We got to watch her grow up as Brittany worked nights.  When Matt used to be grumpy, a lot and Madison wanted to talk to him, she would get a red and white peppermint candy, go into the bedroom where Matt was watching TV and offer him a grumpy pill. It always made him smile. She held his heart and could always turn his mood. Years later as Matts health failed and he could no longer work, he was home more often. I'll never forget getting a call from him asking me, guess who I had lunch with today?  He sounded so excited. He said Madison and I went to Ikko. He sounded like a young boy on Christmas morning . He couldnt believe that she wanted to go with him, just him. It became a thing for them. He loved those moments.  Your work ethic,  which your mama taught you, your dedication to your school work. You push yourself so hard in everything you do and he was so proud of you for it. Your loyalty as a friend amazed him. Poppop adored you Madison. I hope you know that. He lit up when ever you were together.  

And then came Olivia, Mia and Brantley.  The little ones as pop called them. 

Some of dad's favorite memories were Olivia Christmas tree shopping with us and then lunch.  Cooking with us on holidays in her apron and chefs hat. 

Mia and her amazing hugs. Staring endlessly with popop at his fish tank. When shown the sonogram of her brother Brandly she wanted to know where the blood and bones were.  Daddy couldn't get over that. 

And then came Brantley Matthew.  My gosh, when Brantley was born dad was convinced he didn't like him.  He couldn't have been more wrong.  The child adored his poppop. I showed up at the door before Matt did as Matt was walking slower then and Brantley ran by me, where's poppop?? Shayne was laughing but mortified. SAY HI TO NANA..  When pop was around I was invisible.  And that was fine.

AND then there was Myrtle Beach. It was our safe place. Quiet, calm with just the pool, ocean and balcony.and Lulus. Our friends Ruth and John and Toni and Dan would join us. We had such good times there.  It was our happy place. When Matt started to deteriorate this year, he made me promise to continue to go the Second week in Sept. I promised.  I don't think I'm going to be able to keep that promise though.  

He loved his friends, his neice, nephews, and his many coworkers.  

At the end I know my children and I made the right decision. Matt and I had spoken often about it last year. He just was so tired. But the selfish part knows he will never hold my hand again. Never kiss my head after a long day at work and tell me that I'll be fine. That I've got it. Fall evenings sitting in the open garage with a cigar waiting for me to come home. The Broadway at noon Sundays chatting with Linda and Sue. Half Moon sharing stories with Carolyn.  We had a good life together with all its ups and downs.  

God speed  my dear. You are walking tall and without pain now.  I love you.

Due Process

I had to write this blog. As a woman, a victim of sexual, verbal and physical abuse, I felt I had no choice.  I am embarrassed of where women, not all, but many, have gone to with their self-righteous feminism. I am sure I will get a lot of backlash from this one.  So be it. This is my story and my opinions; nothing more.

I guess I need to preface this blog. Let you know a bit about who I am, and how I have evolved to this point in my life.

I grew up in a a small seashore town to parents who were Democrats. I followed their lead. Later in life my parents switched parties and became Republicans. I stayed put. Voted for Bill Clinton twice. It was during his second term I realized that the party I had embraced, had changed, at least in my eyes.  I could not relate to the Democrats need to control all under them. I couldn't understand their need to "protect" all people of color, women, etc. The perception I got was one of elite authority and  control. Stay down so I say what you get and what you need because I don't believe you can decide for yourself; all the while chanting equality.  Maybe I was the one that changed. So I started to read, listen and watch all I could about all the parties.

I came out of my research a strong Republican. Now that doesn't mean I agree with all the party stands for or all candidates.  Can you ever agree on every issue or candidate; I doubt it. But I did and still do believe people who are told continually that they are victims, will eventually believe it even if it isn't true.

I found/find it obscene when a black conservative spoke out, they were labeled an Uncle Tom. How dare someone of color have a mind of their own, thoughts or ideas  that didn't lean left. Am I the only one who finds that arrogantly controlling? For the party of inclusion and tolerance to hate anyone who doesn't follow their step?

For these reasons and so many more I chose to leave the left.

With that said I feel the need to address the confirmation hearings of Judge Kavanaugh, women's marches of today, among a few other things. I was disgusted.  The hearing was a farce. Kamala Harris and Corey Booker auditioning, and embarrassingly so, for the 2020 nomination.

I was very glad to see Republicans finally getting a spine and fighting back. It's about damn time.

And then we have Senator Feinstein. Withholding a letter for months (because the writer wanted to remain anonymous) and then leaking it. Someone leaked it, she had it. My thoughts.

Now the guts of my gripe on the whole thing.

Since when should someone be believed, or disbelieved for that matter, based solely on their sex, race, gender or anything else?  Since when does the chant "WE BELIEVE SURVIVORS" take the place of due process, of another's rights to defend themselves?

You want to be equal, then don't make up the rules as you go.

It is demeaning and insulting to assume that all women tell the truth and all men lie; and visa versa.

What do I know about anything?  At 17 I was raped by my boyfriend.  Not just forced, raped.  This boyfriend of mine also verbally and physically abused me, which I allowed. Damn near cracked my skull once. And the man that saved me from him, my first husband, evolved into a physical and verbal abuser as well.  You know, guns to your head, lit matches thrown on you. Furniture hurled at you in anger.  Oh, and I'll throw in how he brought a stripper home and slept with her in our living room while I stayed quietly in the bedroom too afraid to say anything.

I know abuse and fear and humiliation all too well.  Doesn't say much for my choices or self esteem back then, but that's another blog entirely.  I know what it is to be a victim of a vicious assault.  I am not just writing this out of my ass because I'm a Republican.

Justice Kavanaugh.

This is a man who revers the Constitution and his position; not as a law maker but one who reads and understands the Constitution of the United States.  He doesn't try to make policy for one side or the other; he is for the people. His record shows that.  This man had been vetted six times by the FBI.  Nothing, ever came out of this indecent.  So, when a woman claims that something happened 35 years ago, that's it. End of discussion.  She doesn't remember much, but she knows it was him.  Her four witnesses say not so, (one of them her friend) but yet again; a woman said it happened so she must be believed.

And then you have Alyssa Milano sitting behind Judge Kavanaugh with a sign that said something like I Believe Survivors, no on Kavanaugh.  What the hell does that even mean?  Her hair up and her glasses on, she looked like a prop.  No evidence, just someone with a vagina. That's all you need now.  What does it say about our mentality when we believe someone based on their genitalia?  Again, as a woman, I'm beyond embarrassed and insulted at how "progressive" women see the world.

I don't know if something happened to Ms. Ford. If it did I am profoundly sorry. But, you cant accuse someone of something with absolutely no proof and call anyone that questions you a woman hater and much worse.

You say we are equal but you can't be questioned about an accusation, lest being called a beast with no compassion, no soul; a women hater??  You say the white men on the court are not protecting you? But then you say I am woman hear me roar.  You can't have it every which way.  Did her lawyers ever tell her the senate committee would have flown to her in confidence??

She was so used by the left it was disgusting. Talk about no compassion.

I am at a loss to understand how anyone can say all women must be believed.

Let's talk about women's marches. You have Ashley Judd screaming about how angry she is and thinks about blowing up the White House. Wearing pink pussy hats.  Nice way to make a point.

I, myself, am not defined by my genitals.

I guess my point is that, in my opinion, women are doing themselves a disservice by claiming to be a force to be reckoned with, yet in the same breath say we must always be believed at any cost.

It is not a message that I want for my daughter, granddaughter, or grandson for that matter.

What does it say to decent men that if you are accused of a crime against a woman, any woman, you are presumed guilty and have no voice, at all.  You have a penis which makes you bad.

We are so much more than our sex, gender or color; or political affiliation for that matter. Human beings, nothing more, nothing less.  All to be held accountable for our actions regardless of sex. And to the elitist snobs of Hollywood. When you come out from behind your gated lives, then we can talk about an open boarder. 

So much more to say. But not today..

People make it so much harder than it has to be by acting so entitled.  Exhausting...

Suan

To say that I am heartbroken doesn't touch how I am feeling.  I knew it would be different from when we lost our parents.  The sadness, the loss; but I could never have imagined how different this is.

My grief for Susan's passing has so many levels I don't even know where to start trying to process it.  She was taken too early, she had so many things left to do, to see and to feel and selfishly, I had so many things left to tell her.

My heart hurts so much for her.  Susan had more children to teach, bridges to go over with Miles and time to share with family and friends.

Warm summer evenings on her deck, watching the water and sipping her wine with a book on her lap.  She loved her wine and she loved her books.  Susan loved life.

I have always known that life isn't fair and it isn't easy.  No one said it would be.  But this.  I am shattered to my core and have no idea how to survive this.  I know I will.  There really isn't a choice is there?

My niece and nephews, their wives and Miles.  How do I help them when there is nothing anyone can say to ease their pain?  They lost their mother too early.  They stood by her side every step of the way and felt helpless as they watched her deal with every test, every bit of bad news and every stumbling block that hit her.  For every step she took there were five to take back.

Her cancer was relentless but she never gave up; not until the end I guess.

I feel guilty for grieving so much; like I'm being selfish.  So many people have been touched by this and I feel at times like it's only me.  I know that's not true, but I have times when I feel so alone with this pain.

Can't seem to get a handle on this grief.  I get hit with massive waves of sadness the likes I have never felt.

People die every day of all ages and means.  These people also had hopes and dreams and plans.

But this is my sister, this is our families sorrow.

All Susan wanted after she beat this cancer was a little cottage by the sea, her bicycle and her family and friends.  To teach till she was old and gray, to love her students like no one I have ever known and show them all she knew.

I am so angry this was taken from her.  I'm so sad she won't have these things, that her children won't have her anymore, that Miles will never be with her again.  That I've lost a sister, a mentor, and a friend who listened to me not eight months ago crying over my wows all the while she battled this cancer.

Mostly, I am grieving that my sister didn't get to live the life she so wanted and so richly deserved.

At the End of the Day

At the End of the Day, it's just you and your husband. No one else. No distractions.  The good the bad and the worst. That's it.

So today was the first day that Matt and I officially worked together. Matt got his real estate license and I am the weekend secretary at the office where he will hang his license.

Marriage is a funny thing. You go through ups and downs, some worse then others. During those times you decide to stay or leave, try or give up.  Defining moments.  Life-changing choices.

Matt and I have had our share of ups and downs like all married couples.  Some trivial, some marriage ending, foundation breaking times.  Stay or go. Make the choice.

We decided to fight, long and hard up hill battles that were not meant to be won. But we struggled, cried, cursed and lashed out.

And here we stand.  A bit bruised and worn, but standing nonetheless, strong, side by side.

I watched my husband today, his first day as a real estate agent, work with confidence.  Ask questions when needed and go forward alone to rise or fall, to fail or succeed.

I am so proud of him, of us.

Sitting back watching him work today, in my environment was scarey, exciting and so rewarding.

We made it through all the shit, the petty crap we all go through and the heartwrenching ups downs of a marriage.

I am so glad we stuck it out, had faith enough in each other to continue to grow, learn, grovel and forgive.

Today,  watching him, I knew we made it.