I don't know how long I've been living in this black hole. I
don't know what happened or why this happened to me, but I know that I've been
in this dark space for some time now. I hear people talking but it makes
no sense to me. I try to form words but am at a loss most of the time as
to how to answer or even what words to use. I know what I'm saying but I
can tell by the faces of my loved ones that they do not.
Loved ones; I know these people love me by
the way their hand's stroke my forehead, by the way they feed me my meals with
a kindness that can only come from a loved one. I want to thank them, to
hug them, to speak to them and let them know that their love is returned; but
it doesn't come out. I want to walk and get up but I've forgotten how.
My life as I once knew it is gone. I
have no sense of where I am but I know it's not home. My mind, or what's
left of it, comes and goes. I have split-second moments of being aware of
who is with me; and then it's gone.
I had a wife once. She had been long
forgotten by me, but now, I search for her and can't understand why I can't
find her. I think I see her but yet, she isn't by my side. I think
I miss her, but again, I'm not sure. I don't think I'm sure of anything
anymore.
Once, a long time ago I was a strong,
hard-working man; husband, father and friend. What am I now? The shell of what used to be. I exist but I do not live. My day consists of being bathed, changed,
fed; everything that I used to do on my own is now done for me. My mind
won't let me do anything. My body is shutting down. I am completely dependent on others for even
the simplest of tasks.
I believe if my mind would let me, I would
be utterly humiliated by all this; but my mind is know where to be found.
Words don't come, thoughts don't make sense and the faces of those who
smile down at me aren't familiar. I know they belong to me but I have no
idea who they are.
This life is not something that I would
have chosen for me. Those little slices of thought that I can grab onto
are heartbreaking. There is only one thing that I do know, and whenever
I'm asked I can answer. Just that one question, nothing more.
My name is Richard.
For this I do know................
