Who is this stranger that I see in my mirror?
The face I see in the mirror, can that be me; really, is it possible. Where once I saw crystal clear eyes that showed excitement and wonder at every turn, I now see tired and weary eyes looking back. I see graying hair where once I saw only blond curls blowing everywhere. I see my face, once cute and firm, now dreary and weather worn; sagging cheeks and neck.
I see my hands, that once were trim and fit, always working; still always working but wrinkled and old. I see my body, once attractive, fit and tanned. Now I see sagging skin that once was taut, I see rolls where firmness once was. I see my breasts, the ones I feed our children with, now sagging to a degree that I never would have imagined.
Where did I go?
So now, that I am aging and not the beauty of my youth, am I no longer exciting, no longer mysterious to you? Maybe not; but my mind is still young, my heart is still young. Do you no longer cherish me, want me or desire me? Don't see my weary eyes, see the sparkle that is still there just waiting to be touched. Don't see my lack of energy as lack of passion, it's there just waiting to be rediscovered.
See me....
Sunday, September 3, 2017
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
Letter to my husband
For an obscure, unknown writer as myself, I seem to have a global following. I get emails every week, mostly from women, who want me to tell their story. These women are from all over the world, all ages, yet they seem to have the same story so many times.
The request that I get most is about husbands, lost love and passion. So, I have decided to dedicate this blog to all the women who have reached out to me, told me their personal tales of sadness, happiness and hope. They have shared with me intimate details of their lives and for that I dedicate this blog. I hope you find some solace in knowing you are not alone and there is hope.
I have commingled their stories into this blog.
Marriage, most likely one of the most difficult endeavors anyone can take on can be fulfilling, heartbreaking and everything else under the sun. To say it's hard is an understatement. Is it doable? I guess that depends on who you ask, or when in their life or marriage you ask them.
With that said, and after talking to so many women about their marriages, ( I have that face that people trust and talk to, and an email address, and I love it), ups and downs and raw heartbreak, I have decided to write a letter to my husband, meaning all husbands, as it very easily could be any of us who share theses emotions, feelings and loss that have been so painfully shared with me over the last months. This is not my story, this is your story that you have so gratiously shared with me.
And yes, it could be a blog Dear Wife, but since I am a wife and I have a husband and have spoken to many wives either in word or email, it is Dear Husband. If I have offended anyone, get a life, realize the world does not revolve around you and see the world as it really is.
Dear husband:
Can I still call you husband? In reality we have been more like roommates for what seems like forever. A hug, a peck on the cheek, a glance when we walk in the door. Dinner with pleasant conversation only to part ways in the hallway at bed time. You to your room and me to mine. Always pleasant, always an I love you; but it seems routine, almost like a recording. There is no emotion there.
You with your internet or TV, me with with tears and TV, longing for something more and not having any idea how to find it.
Do we mean it, are we sincere in our "I love yous"? I hope so, but who knows..
Years come and go, time passes all to quickly. We raise our children with all that goes with that. We grow older, problems come and go. Passions wain and we seem to seek excitement anywhere but home. How could we let this happen? Where did we get so lost that our thoughts turned to the outside instead of towards each other. What happened to the young lovers who swore their allegiance to one and other regardless of the problems they faced? Did we become so self absorbed that we forgot the person we made our vows too? Are we so selfish that we forsook our partner for our own passions and needs?
When times get tough why do we escape anywhere but home, where it should be the safest and most loving?
Is it because it's to hard to face our innermost demons, to hard to admit our shortcomings, failures and fears? Don't you know that I am going through the same fears, insecurities as you? That my longing for basic intimacy and communication is just as strong?
Your sexual ability to make love to me traditionally disappears due to illness so you turn outwards to strangers not realizing the worth of a husband is not the length and girth of his manhood.
For me, your wife, I have suffered through my own devastating sexual issues. Painful intercourse after menopause, body changing and sagging, just cementing my self of body loathing and lack of self confidence even more, along with your distance. All this only intensifies my feelings of inadequacy as a woman, your partner, your wife.
Both sides insecure and both sides handling it so differently.
Your sleeping in the other room so you won't disturb me with your sleeplessness went from a week to years. Again, only solidifying that as an older woman, I can no longer please you. I am no longer what you desire, no longer attractive to you; even though you yourself have aged in body and mind as well. Why is it so different for a man? Is it only the woman who needs to stay sexy, alive and vibrant?
You want a sexy wife; when is the last time you put on an outfit for her to lust after. Our society has made it so important for the wife to be slim, perky and always in attire to stimulate their man. What about you? Where does your responsibility lie? It shouldn't be about facades, it is so much deeper and more intimate then that. Years of working together, crying, laughing and just wanting the pain to end but enduring because your love is so strong. Sagging, wrinkling, and aging is a sign of survival, nothing more.
But as you pull away because of your pride at not being able to fuck your wife for five hours, you neglected to see I changed too. I can no longer handle the pain or traditional sex, yet I still yearn for your touch, sex in any other way than intercourse. But you are conditioned from an early age that if you don't have a hard, huge penis, you can't please your woman. How far from the truth is that? Miles and miles and miles. So you search the internet for the nameless while I crave your familiar touch.
So in all this loneliness does one of you cross the line, go for it because you just can't see what is in front of you? You bite that forbidden fruit, literally or figuratively. You go anywhere where you think you will be loved. Anywhere but home.
Are you so blind that you can't see the love you are looking for is waiting for you. The excitement you think you lost, yet found outside is an impostor, a charlatan only looking out for themselves, not caring about you, just stroking their own ego; is this who you seek? They could not care less about you or your life, your feelings, your past or your dreams. An illusion to stroke their ego all the while lying to you while you lie to me.
Foolish person. Open your eyes. He/She is right in front of you. Show love, compassion, kindness and understanding and it will come back. The passion is there, it just got so lost and distorted we lost track of it.
Both of us, find it, nurture it and never let an outsider tell us our business or set inside our boundaries again. Because they are just that, outsiders that we have a false impression of. An illusion of the past, a more innocent time we all crave. Don't you think I crave that as well. Do you think I am content with life as it is? A room mate, dinner companion and travel partner... But it's important to remember why that outsider became outsiders to begin with.
You fell in love with me for a reason, remember what it was, and I you. We need to work for it, do our share and more. We can't let pride or ego get in our way.
So dear husband, learn from this, grow with me; realize my pain when I have it and understand why I have it as I will you. Don't turn away because it is hard, turn towards me because it is where you belong and where we will find true happiness.
Love
Your wife
The request that I get most is about husbands, lost love and passion. So, I have decided to dedicate this blog to all the women who have reached out to me, told me their personal tales of sadness, happiness and hope. They have shared with me intimate details of their lives and for that I dedicate this blog. I hope you find some solace in knowing you are not alone and there is hope.
I have commingled their stories into this blog.
Marriage, most likely one of the most difficult endeavors anyone can take on can be fulfilling, heartbreaking and everything else under the sun. To say it's hard is an understatement. Is it doable? I guess that depends on who you ask, or when in their life or marriage you ask them.
With that said, and after talking to so many women about their marriages, ( I have that face that people trust and talk to, and an email address, and I love it), ups and downs and raw heartbreak, I have decided to write a letter to my husband, meaning all husbands, as it very easily could be any of us who share theses emotions, feelings and loss that have been so painfully shared with me over the last months. This is not my story, this is your story that you have so gratiously shared with me.
And yes, it could be a blog Dear Wife, but since I am a wife and I have a husband and have spoken to many wives either in word or email, it is Dear Husband. If I have offended anyone, get a life, realize the world does not revolve around you and see the world as it really is.
Dear husband:
Can I still call you husband? In reality we have been more like roommates for what seems like forever. A hug, a peck on the cheek, a glance when we walk in the door. Dinner with pleasant conversation only to part ways in the hallway at bed time. You to your room and me to mine. Always pleasant, always an I love you; but it seems routine, almost like a recording. There is no emotion there.
You with your internet or TV, me with with tears and TV, longing for something more and not having any idea how to find it.
Do we mean it, are we sincere in our "I love yous"? I hope so, but who knows..
Years come and go, time passes all to quickly. We raise our children with all that goes with that. We grow older, problems come and go. Passions wain and we seem to seek excitement anywhere but home. How could we let this happen? Where did we get so lost that our thoughts turned to the outside instead of towards each other. What happened to the young lovers who swore their allegiance to one and other regardless of the problems they faced? Did we become so self absorbed that we forgot the person we made our vows too? Are we so selfish that we forsook our partner for our own passions and needs?
When times get tough why do we escape anywhere but home, where it should be the safest and most loving?
Is it because it's to hard to face our innermost demons, to hard to admit our shortcomings, failures and fears? Don't you know that I am going through the same fears, insecurities as you? That my longing for basic intimacy and communication is just as strong?
Your sexual ability to make love to me traditionally disappears due to illness so you turn outwards to strangers not realizing the worth of a husband is not the length and girth of his manhood.
For me, your wife, I have suffered through my own devastating sexual issues. Painful intercourse after menopause, body changing and sagging, just cementing my self of body loathing and lack of self confidence even more, along with your distance. All this only intensifies my feelings of inadequacy as a woman, your partner, your wife.
Both sides insecure and both sides handling it so differently.
Your sleeping in the other room so you won't disturb me with your sleeplessness went from a week to years. Again, only solidifying that as an older woman, I can no longer please you. I am no longer what you desire, no longer attractive to you; even though you yourself have aged in body and mind as well. Why is it so different for a man? Is it only the woman who needs to stay sexy, alive and vibrant?
You want a sexy wife; when is the last time you put on an outfit for her to lust after. Our society has made it so important for the wife to be slim, perky and always in attire to stimulate their man. What about you? Where does your responsibility lie? It shouldn't be about facades, it is so much deeper and more intimate then that. Years of working together, crying, laughing and just wanting the pain to end but enduring because your love is so strong. Sagging, wrinkling, and aging is a sign of survival, nothing more.
But as you pull away because of your pride at not being able to fuck your wife for five hours, you neglected to see I changed too. I can no longer handle the pain or traditional sex, yet I still yearn for your touch, sex in any other way than intercourse. But you are conditioned from an early age that if you don't have a hard, huge penis, you can't please your woman. How far from the truth is that? Miles and miles and miles. So you search the internet for the nameless while I crave your familiar touch.
So in all this loneliness does one of you cross the line, go for it because you just can't see what is in front of you? You bite that forbidden fruit, literally or figuratively. You go anywhere where you think you will be loved. Anywhere but home.
Are you so blind that you can't see the love you are looking for is waiting for you. The excitement you think you lost, yet found outside is an impostor, a charlatan only looking out for themselves, not caring about you, just stroking their own ego; is this who you seek? They could not care less about you or your life, your feelings, your past or your dreams. An illusion to stroke their ego all the while lying to you while you lie to me.
Foolish person. Open your eyes. He/She is right in front of you. Show love, compassion, kindness and understanding and it will come back. The passion is there, it just got so lost and distorted we lost track of it.
Both of us, find it, nurture it and never let an outsider tell us our business or set inside our boundaries again. Because they are just that, outsiders that we have a false impression of. An illusion of the past, a more innocent time we all crave. Don't you think I crave that as well. Do you think I am content with life as it is? A room mate, dinner companion and travel partner... But it's important to remember why that outsider became outsiders to begin with.
You fell in love with me for a reason, remember what it was, and I you. We need to work for it, do our share and more. We can't let pride or ego get in our way.
So dear husband, learn from this, grow with me; realize my pain when I have it and understand why I have it as I will you. Don't turn away because it is hard, turn towards me because it is where you belong and where we will find true happiness.
Love
Your wife
Sunday, June 4, 2017
Emotions
What do you do when there is nothing to do? When a situation arises where all you can do is wait, be patient, and of course worry. It's agony. That's the only word to use.
But what if this waiting game wasn't yours personally, but a loved ones? You are not personally going through the drama but yet you are and you wish it were you, not them.
Do you hover, hound, pester and continually ask how are you, you ok, can I do anything? How do you know how long to wait before you ask again or call or text with a random question, just to touch base?
And how, now do you tell that person just how much you love them and need them without making it sound dramatic or anticlimactic, or selfish or too emotional? Things that should have been said all along, yet maybe understood without words all along. But can you be sure? Are you ever sure?
How do you articulate to someone that although you might not have always agreed with the method of an action, you always knew the right decision had been made, that you never once doubted the end result, ever .
Is there ever a way to say what you feel during stressful times without tears or sadness? I don't know, but I doubt there is. And maybe, just maybe, there should be tears. Tears dont mean weaknesses, they mean a passion.
So in the end you wait, you love and you pray.
Really, what else is there to do?
But what if this waiting game wasn't yours personally, but a loved ones? You are not personally going through the drama but yet you are and you wish it were you, not them.
Do you hover, hound, pester and continually ask how are you, you ok, can I do anything? How do you know how long to wait before you ask again or call or text with a random question, just to touch base?
And how, now do you tell that person just how much you love them and need them without making it sound dramatic or anticlimactic, or selfish or too emotional? Things that should have been said all along, yet maybe understood without words all along. But can you be sure? Are you ever sure?
How do you articulate to someone that although you might not have always agreed with the method of an action, you always knew the right decision had been made, that you never once doubted the end result, ever .
Is there ever a way to say what you feel during stressful times without tears or sadness? I don't know, but I doubt there is. And maybe, just maybe, there should be tears. Tears dont mean weaknesses, they mean a passion.
So in the end you wait, you love and you pray.
Really, what else is there to do?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)