My Girls

Sitting on my couch at midnight on December 7, 1999, not able to sleep knowing something was; changing. I couldn't put my finger on it but I knew there was something in the air that just wasn't the same.  It couldn't have been five minutes later when my only daughter, who had just that day turned 20 quietly told me that she was pregnant.

I hugged her, asked her if she was sure and then just sat with her in the dark for sometime in the silence of the night, not really saying anything, just taking in the moment.  My single, out of control, bipolar, beautiful daughter was going to have a child.

Without even asking her I knew that abortion was out of the question.  It wasn't something that she believed in for herself. Adoption was out for us as a family.  We also knew that marriage was not in the cards for them.

The father and our daughter had a long and volatile relationship. She was bipolar and he had issues as well.  Both good people but not good together.

I decided that the best thing to do would be to tell her dad the next morning when cooler heads might prevail. My husband's personality lends itself to an initial outburst and then calm.

So, the next morning I woke him up with the news.  I informed him to get out any comments he felt he had to blurt out now and not in front of our daughter.  Once words are spoken, they can't be take back.  You are either on board with this or your aren't.  It's that simple. Of course, he was on board.

Fast track 17 1/2 years.  Madison, our beautiful, quirky, smart, kind and compassionate grandchild is preparing for college.

All those many years ago our daughter decided to raise this child and abandoned her issues, fears and habits. The result is an amazing young woman who has broken all the molds.

Dreadlocked, tattooed mother who took motherhood more serious than most.   She has withstood ridicule, dismissive adults and down right cruel human beings thinking they knew, when in fact, they knew nothing.

Madison is the result of a strong, determined, selfless child in her own right that did the right things for all the right reasons.

With all of Madison's successes and achievements, there was her mother, right behind her steering and navigating the waters for her, with her.

So, come June, when Madison graduates and moves forward with her life; momentarily leaving her mother behind, I can offer this little bit of thought.

Child, you have done so much with your child. In a world of the Internet when every social site holds more clout than you, you over came that, you rose above it and blew right through it.

You did it ladies.  Take a bow,  know your worth in this world and keep shining, keep moving forward and never look back.

I could not be prouder of either if you.

Open Thoughts

This is so not about me; yet I'm so lost.  I feel like I can't catch my breath; like I'm drowning within the air that surrounds me.  I have so much I want to say and have no idea how to say it. In comparison, this is nothing.

How do you begin to tell someone that the sadness you feel has no limits or bounds?

What their presence in your life has meant and still does?  How do you let them know how proud you have always been of their accomplishments, their achievements and their stead-fast resolve at everything they have done.  How their strength and weakness in what they face has been profound to see and also humbling.

Good morning. Hey there. Hi. Yo. GM. How are you? You doing ok? Tired? Feeling ok? Can I do anything?

How many ways can you say good morning to someone who you just want to know is ok, even thought you know they aren't.  Asking someone how they are when everyone asks the same question in many different ways must be tiring, yet maybe comforting knowing how many people care and love you. But, frustrating to say the least.

I could go on and on about how unfair this is, on the heels of dad's death.  How for so long you were the pillar for mommy and daddy; the bill payer, the solid voice of their needs.  Always including Barbara and I yet carrying the burden of authority.  Never one to delegate, the weight fell on you.

And now this... Unfair, yet, what is fair?  Selfish for me to say "why you, why her?" Still, I say it; not wanting it for anyone else, but certainly not for you.  Not now, not ever.

How do you let someone know how you have been so intimidated by them for so long, which makes it hard to open up, to be at ease with them at times, to say what you want to say without sounding like an idiot?  That for so long, long before this disease, you wished for more time, more moments, yet were too foolish to ask for? My weakness and lack of confidence has made our relationship; at times awkward.  I feel foolish with things that I say and answers that I get.  Out of my league.  But wait, we are sisters, born of the same cloth, yet so different.; but not.

So with this, how do you let someone know that there is no pity, just profound sadness that there is nothing you can do to change anything.  You can be there, talk, listen, hug, hold, be a punching bag; whatever that person wants or needs.  But you can't change this; no one can, we can only hope and pray that God has a plan.  You can't take it away and put it on yourself.  Which, I have learned through all of this, I would do in an instant for you sister.

How do I let you know that if this battle is lost, the space that we encompass will never be the same.  That your legacy will never be forgotten or taken for granted.  And that won't be enough; not for many, not for me. I refuse to believe that this is the PLAN; that this is how it has to be.

Fight a good fight sister, stay strong and don't lose focus.  Yet,  as you said to me one day not so long ago; you are praying for the wisdom to know when to keep fighting, yet also, to know when it's time to let go.

Dear Susan; I hope that is a decision you never have to make.