Have you ever noticed that when you least expect it, life throws you a curveball that you never saw coming? Ever!!
In my case, it started with me blushing. Yup, apparently my cheeks still glow pink with me having no control. How does this happen at 69 years old? Is that even possible? There should be a statute of limitations on it. 18 and you're done.
Now I don't know whether to feel young again or just foolish. At my age, a widow and blushing like I was 16 again. Humiliating.
My saga begins with me walking into the bar, my bar, my safe haven. Heading to my seat, minding my own business. I find my bar stool, next to Matt's empty seat; our favorite seat at the bar. Saturday at noon. It was our sweet spot.
Two and a half years later, I still wear my wedding ring, still feel married, still mourning; yet.....something is about to happen that I didnt see coming. Vulnerability.
All seated, chat with my friend who happens to be the bartender, sip my Savouion Blanc; lean back and relax. I notice a gentleman whom Matt and I had met over the years here. We share our pleasantries, and go back to our solitude and private thoughts.
Hes's with a friend who's on the phone, a bit loud, but really funny; hard to ignore, so I laugh. Thus starting a conversation.
To preface, I have good bar friends here; most knew and loved Matt; it's a nice, eclectic group of really decent, interesting people. Good bar friends. I feel safe here.
But, I digress.
Fast forward to this stranger; a conversation started about nothing really. Where are you from, yatta yatta yatta. Then he moved his seat closer to mine as he doesn't hear well so we could talk easier, without yelling
Because I had been so timid for so long in my life it almost felt like I'd nevet get out of that mind set. Stay silent, stay in the back, and keep your head down. No one will notice you. Well, that's not me anymore. I love to talk, to anyone, anywhere, at any time. You meet a lot of very interesting and lovely people when you smile and say hi. It broadens your view and opens up things and thoughts that you may not have had before.
And, I digress, yet again.
A funny, general conversation continues, a girl from the shore and a guy from the city. Very interesting tete-a-tete. Extremely different ways of looking at things. He mentioned my husband, as he saw my wedding ring, and I stated he had passed away and this had been out spot. We talked some more, and then he said it.. those words, three little words, words that I have not heard in a very long time; "You're so attractive.
What the fuck??? For a brief moment, I looked around to see the hidden camera, as if I were on Candid Camera. I was sure Alan Funt was about to come out of the shadows and yell, SMIILE, YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA. Who the hell says that, to me? I blushed, stifled a laugh and managed to say, oh no, no. I then asked him, how much he had to drink today? With a smile, of course.
I've never taken compliments very well, especially now, when I feel like an troglidite.
With that said, we talked for an hour or so, I got anxious, and most likely rambled. Exchanged phone numbers, not sure why other than he asked me for it, and went our way.
I went home exhausted over nothing more than conversation and a compliment.
Later that evening he he texted me saying how much he enjoyed my company and asking to take me to dinner one night. Nope, no absolutely not. Drinks? OK, I can do that, but not as a date, just conversation. Good lord.
A few weeks later he called one Saturday and we met at my bar for drinks and small talk. To say I was nervous is an understatement. It was ridiculous. Get a grip Nancy, it's drinks, not a hook up. Hmmm do people hook up who are nearing 70? Shit.
Needless to stay, it didn't go so well, and that's all on me. I was not ready for any of it. Compliments, moving closer, talks of intimacy, possible meeting again, dinner and more.
In my usual, mature way, I stammered and said no thank you. He then talked of his aunt who lived alone and never dated for 30 years after his uncle died. He couldn't believe how after two and a half years, I wasn't ready. How could such a beautiful, fun and happy woman like me want to be alone. How can you explain to someone that I didnt feel alone. Being alone, not in a relationship, does not equate to loneliness.
I couldn't breath. I just wanted to go home. We finished our food and drinks, he paid the bill and went to walk me to my car, which I polightly declined.
I went home and cried
And now I know why I still wear my wedding ring. I'm still married in my heart, still in love with my husband and still so angry he left me.
Lesson learned, trust your instincts when they scream at you that it isnt time. Not even close. May never be, really.
The funny and unexpected thing that came of this, and at the end of the day, when all is said and done; and coming as a complete shock to me, it really felt nice to be seen as a women again, no matter how old I am.
