Open Thoughts

This is so not about me; yet I'm so lost.  I feel like I can't catch my breath; like I'm drowning within the air that surrounds me.  I have so much I want to say and have no idea how to say it. In comparison, this is nothing.

How do you begin to tell someone that the sadness you feel has no limits or bounds?

What their presence in your life has meant and still does?  How do you let them know how proud you have always been of their accomplishments, their achievements and their stead-fast resolve at everything they have done.  How their strength and weakness in what they face has been profound to see and also humbling.

Good morning. Hey there. Hi. Yo. GM. How are you? You doing ok? Tired? Feeling ok? Can I do anything?

How many ways can you say good morning to someone who you just want to know is ok, even thought you know they aren't.  Asking someone how they are when everyone asks the same question in many different ways must be tiring, yet maybe comforting knowing how many people care and love you. But, frustrating to say the least.

I could go on and on about how unfair this is, on the heels of dad's death.  How for so long you were the pillar for mommy and daddy; the bill payer, the solid voice of their needs.  Always including Barbara and I yet carrying the burden of authority.  Never one to delegate, the weight fell on you.

And now this... Unfair, yet, what is fair?  Selfish for me to say "why you, why her?" Still, I say it; not wanting it for anyone else, but certainly not for you.  Not now, not ever.

How do you let someone know how you have been so intimidated by them for so long, which makes it hard to open up, to be at ease with them at times, to say what you want to say without sounding like an idiot?  That for so long, long before this disease, you wished for more time, more moments, yet were too foolish to ask for? My weakness and lack of confidence has made our relationship; at times awkward.  I feel foolish with things that I say and answers that I get.  Out of my league.  But wait, we are sisters, born of the same cloth, yet so different.; but not.

So with this, how do you let someone know that there is no pity, just profound sadness that there is nothing you can do to change anything.  You can be there, talk, listen, hug, hold, be a punching bag; whatever that person wants or needs.  But you can't change this; no one can, we can only hope and pray that God has a plan.  You can't take it away and put it on yourself.  Which, I have learned through all of this, I would do in an instant for you sister.

How do I let you know that if this battle is lost, the space that we encompass will never be the same.  That your legacy will never be forgotten or taken for granted.  And that won't be enough; not for many, not for me. I refuse to believe that this is the PLAN; that this is how it has to be.

Fight a good fight sister, stay strong and don't lose focus.  Yet,  as you said to me one day not so long ago; you are praying for the wisdom to know when to keep fighting, yet also, to know when it's time to let go.

Dear Susan; I hope that is a decision you never have to make.