Starting over

After our date in New York, I received a dozen long-stemmed red roses from Matt telling me what a wonderful time he had. That would be the first of many roses sent to me by my new man. My sister Barbara saw them one day and asked me if I received them for something as serious a sneeze. I was getting at least two dozen roses a month.

I felt loved for the first time in a long time.

Matt and I were a couple; a real couple. It was never stated in words, but it was understood between the two of us that we were exclusive. I was so comfortable with his; and he took an immediate shine to my children. That was the most important factor in our relationship. After everything that I had put my children through by staying with Gary, I could not and would not subject them to someone who didn’t have their best interests at heart.

I had not been looking for a partner; I guess that’s when it happens, when you aren’t looking.

During the week Matt would come over and we would spend the evening watching TV and playing with the kiddies. Saturday night, that was our night to go out. Every Saturday Matt would take me to the Barber Shop. It was a great bar in Point Pleasant Beach, NJ. You could spend time at the bar downstairs; that’s where all the action was, the dance floor, girls wanting to meet their future boyfriends, and guys looking to get lucky.

Upstairs was a much smaller bar, and a circle of tables that sat at the edge of the hole in the floor, so you could look down at the people dancing. It’s upstairs where Matt and I would spend our Saturday evenings. We would drink, smoke cigarettes and just talk. It was so nice to have someone want to listen to what I had to say. We were very friendly with the bartender and Matt knew almost everyone in there.

The time that I spent together there were some of the best times that I ever had; I look back on those days and can’t help but smile.

Life was starting to turn around for my children and me.

It’s true, that life was getting better, but there were times when Gary felt the need to make his presence known.

I was home alone one da, Shayne and Brittany were with my parents for an outing when Gary showed up at the house. He was beyond angry and I can only assume high.

He proceeded to rip the doors off every cabinet in the kitchen. He threw me, all the dishes, spices and sugars onto the kitchen floor and into the living room. He also felt the need to overturn all the furniture; just to prove his point; which was, I was a fool to ask him to leave and I just might want to reconsider.

And then he left……

I wouldn’t let anyone see the damage. Not Matt, not my parents, not anyone; but the kids saw.

My mom pressed me as to what had happened after I had to borrow her vacuum, and she saw the bruising on my arms. It was then that she went to Gary’s mom’s home and told her what he had done, and that if he came near me again, she would call the police even if I wouldn’t.

After that, he didn’t come around much; thank God for little favors.

It wouldn’t be long after that, that I found the nerve to introduce him to my parents. They knew that there was someone in my life; they could see a change in me.

Of course, that had to do with the fact that Gary was gone, but it was more than that. I smiled more often and actually started to laugh again.

Matt and I were going to go out one evening during the week, and we decided to drop the kids off at my mom’s house together.

We were going to dinner. While my mom was talking to Matt and getting feel for this new man in her daughter’s life, my dad came in from work.

As dad walked in the back door and over to the sink where Matt and I were standing, I started to blush and giggle. My dad tweaked my cheek and said, “My aren’t we giddy today.”. I just continued to blush and giggle; but the ice was broken and first impressions went well all the way around.

I was happy.

Meeting Matt’s parents would prove to take more time. I was still legally married, older than Matt and I had two children. Not what you would call a parent’s hope for their child.

Although, I would learn later on that no one was going to be good enough for Matt; according to his mom anyway.

There’s something else, everyone has baggage. You might not see it right away; it takes time sometimes to come out; but no one is immune.

As time has a way of telling all, it would come out that my Matt had his share of baggage hiding just under the surface; even more than me I’m afraid.

By this time I had left my job at 7-11 and started working at a bank. Since I had experience, it was an easy transition. The pay wasn’t good but it was more than I had made at the convenience store and I received benefits for me and the kids.
Gary wasn’t working so there was nothing coming from him; it became all too apparent that I could not afford to stay in our house.

Plans were being made for me and my children to move.

Two of Gary’s friends were to move into our home and pay rent. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I just could not afford the $250.00 a month mortgage, plus utilities. As it was, by this time the electricity, gas, hot water and phone had all been shut off.

Matt brought over space heaters so we would stay warm and a huge cooler to keep milk and food. He would even take me shopping and buy groceries for the kids and me. While on one of our shopping trips at the Foodtown, Matt was pushing the kids in the shopping cart and a woman came up to him and told him how cute his kids were and that they looked just like him. He actually blushed and just said thank you.

My parents didn’t know that we were living that way; I was just too ashamed to tell them. Had they known, they would have packed me up and brought me home then and there then. I just couldn’t let them know. I had married a man that they didn’t like, and I had gone to them for money for food and shoes for the kids too many times, I was just so humiliated that I had let them down. But, situations have a way of changing your mind and forcing you to put your pride aside. It was getting so cold out; I couldn’t bathe the children in warm water and it was getting difficult to prepare them healthy meals with no means of heating anything.

I was too ashamed to tell my parents just how bad it was so I spoke to my friend Hope, and she agreed to let the kids and me move into her home. She had a large house, and since I had taken her in years before when I lived with my girlfriends at the beach, she returned the favor, tenfold. I had two children at the time and no money to pay her for her kindness.

I was there for about two months when it became apparent that it just was not going to work. I couldn’t pay her for anything, we had no money for food, and it was just wrong to continue to stay there, so, I spoke to my parents, told them of the situation and plans were made for the kids and me to move in with them.

My parents wanted to set the rooms up for us and I had told them that there was no hurry. I was still trying to shield them from the entire ugly story, so a date was set for us to move in and the waiting began. I neglected to tell them that I was moving out of Hope’s house several days before we were to move into their house.

So, in my little Volkswagen that my parent’s let me use, Shayne who was about three, and Brittany who was one and a half, and I spend three nights sleeping in my car at the inlet. It wasn’t easy, but at least we had shelter, and at their ages, they thought it was fun. We would go to my parents during the day for visits. This way we could use the bathrooms and wash up a bit. They were too little to announce where we were sleeping, so I knew that wouldn’t come up in conversation.

What makes us so prideful? What is it in our nature that makes it almost impossible at times to just man-up and say you fucked up, you need help, AGAIN? I should have just told my parents that we needed to stay there a few days earlier than expected.

I have very good parents and two wonderful sisters, and it would not have been a problem; or if it had been, it would have paled in comparison to sleeping with my kids at the inlet. My pride once again didn’t permit me to admit that we didn’t have any place to stay; even if it was only for three extra days.

So many people in similar situations are faced with the prospect of sleeping outside, in the open with no protection. For that we were lucky. We were safe from the elements and I could lock us in and keep us relatively safe from harm. Point Pleasant has its crime, but nothing like other towns or cities.

Others are not so lucky, the women on the street with their children and no family to help them, they are the true victims.

When we finally got to my parents, it was such a relief to go to the bathroom without going into a restaurant or convenience store, or trying to think of another reason to drop by their house. To bathe my children and get the stench of failure off of them was nothing less than pure exhilaration.

My mom and dad were so wonderful. At the time, Shayne was about three years old and very hyper. Now, when I say very, I mean he could have been bottled and sold as a stimulant. The child never stopped moving. I can’t imagine why.

Every night my dad would come home from his long commute from work, roll up his sleeves and fill the sink with warm water and bathe Shayne for at least a half an hour. Every single night my dad did this. It seemed to calm Shayne down and relax him enough so he could sleep.

During one period, Shayne was going around locking all the doors, scared to death to go outside. When questioned about this, he told us that Gary had told him that he was going to come and steal him and Brittany away from us. So, the doors were locked and bolted and my children were told that nothing could get them, period.

They were safe in that house and could rest easy that no harm would come to them while there.

It wasn’t easy for my parents. I was so angry at Gary and myself at this point; I had a huge chip on my shoulder, and along with my feelings of failure, I was a bitch; an uptight snotty bitch.

Brittany and Shayne were so little and Shayne was a handful. But, my parents did what they thought they should do, what was best for their grandchildren and daughter.
I was making $150.00 per week and it just didn’t cut it at all. If I had any hope at all of moving out of my parent’s home and setting up house for the kids and I, I had to make a change. Something had to happen. It isn’t easy to make a change into the unknown. I had a job with benefits, albeit not a great one.

Was I strong enough to leave that security and face an uncertain future?

As it happens, I was. After working at a bank for a year or so, I decided to quit my job, go on welfare and go back to school.

Going on Welfare was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. At the time, I thought that doing so labeled me a failure. That wasn’t the case at all. I finally had to face the fact that I needed to do this to get the lives of myself and my children’s life back on track, well on track for the first time.

My friend Kathy and I had actually gone to sign me up to beautician’s school. I loved to cut hair so I thought that that would be the perfect position for me. But, after speaking to my family about it, it occurred to me that I should go to secretarial school instead. It made sense considering that it was one of the dreams I had as a girl.

So, I signed up for Taylor Business Institute, filled out the necessary forms for possible grants and student loans, took the initial tests to get in and I was on my way. The only step left was to sign up for welfare.

That was not an easy thing to do. Since I was living with my parents, and they were able to feed us, the money was needed for daycare and everyday living expenses. I qualified and off I went to school.

It was one of the best things that I have ever done. Ladies, if you need the help for a short time, do it.

My case worker was a really nice man, Mr. Bridges if I remember correctly, who would meet with me every month, if I am not mistaken. Questions were asked as to what I was doing, when I would finish school, etc. So many of the women that I saw in that office had clearly given up, it was very sad to witness such desperation.

When I was ready to graduate from Taylor I went in for my scheduled visit, informed my case worker that this would be the last check that I would be receiving and that I would not require anymore assistance from the state.

He was shocked; astounded is more like it. He asked me if I had gotten a job, and if so, what was I making? I hadn’t gotten a job, as a matter of fact, I was just about to graduate from school, but I was now able to find a full time job and that, in my opinion made it necessary for me to stop receiving benefits.

The benefits were there for me when I couldn’t work due to school and young children. I was now able to concentrate on getting a job and supporting my family. This sweet man stood up and shook my hand and told me that I was doing exactly what the system was intended for.

That one moment when he took my hand I was so proud of myself. I had achieved what I had set out to do and I was now, in my mind, ready to go out and make a living for me and my children.

As it turned out I did very well. The Dean of Taylor even offered me a job there, which I turned down so I could complete my courses and move on to what I hoped would be a future for my family. My secretarial journey started at Amerada Hess and eventually led me to my present position at Andantex USA Inc. Hey, need a gear rack?
My relationship with Matt was moving along and it became impossible to hid it from his parents any longer. His sister knew about me and threatened to tell. Our hand was forced and a day and time was set.

I don’t recall ever being that nervous to meet someone.

As it turns out, it went very well. Matt’s parents had a gifts for the kids and were very polite to me.

Matt’s dad, Tony was working on their boat on the driveway and was quite impressed with little Shayne’s knowledge of tools and with Brittany as cute as a button, we couldn’t miss…or could we.

They loved my children and decided to tolerate me, for the time being anyway. As for me, they were convinced I was a gold-digging harpy looking to steal their son away from them and everything he had.

It would be some time before I won over his dad; his mother was going to take a lot longer.

I was in love with Matt and he was falling in love with me, and my children.
Looking back, I believe that his parents thought that our relationship would burn out; that Matt would tire of dating a woman with children and a psychotic ex-husband.
That wasn’t to be the case, and when it was apparent to Matt’s dad that he was, indeed, in love with me he gave him this advice. He said “If you continue your relationship with this woman and eventually you fall out of love with her, you will still love the children; can you live with that?”

Food for thought.

His family was never mean to me, but I know that Matt had to hear about it all the time. You see, his dad owned a company and Matt, his mom and dad carpooled every day to the same office and worked side by side all day, lunched together and drove home together. Oh yeah, and they all lived together.

That in of itself would prove to be part of the baggage that I spoke about. It would be sometime before I realized the extent of their suspicion of me.

For Matt and I; we didn’t care, we loved each other and for the first time in a long time, we were both with someone who actually cared about the other.

We weren’t going to let anything or anybody get in the way of our feelings for each other, for the time being anyway.