Jealousy at its finest my friends

Living at home safe and sound with my parents, in a healthy relationship and graduating from business school; I was finally on my way.

I'm not saying that living with one's parents and children is without drama, but we managed it and handled it as best we could.

My mom and dad had a way of putting me quietly in my place when it was needed.

Shayne, being the oldest and the one that remembered things, felt as safe as could be expected. He knew that nothing could hurt him in that house. We all slept much sounder knowing that my dad was there to protect us.

Matt and I were doing well; we had issues like all couples do, but we were both so hungry for a partner to love us, we persevered and forged ahead.

Matt’s history with dating wasn’t anything like mine was with Gary, but he had his share of heartache. His high school sweetheart, who I believe he would have proposed to in the years after school, was a cheater.

As she was professing her love for Matt, she was sharing her wares with others.
So, we dealt with our problems as well as we could; both carrying more baggage than we were ready to admit that we had.

Our life down the road would have been so much smoother if we had had the courage or maturity to see it then.

Monday morning quarter backing at its finest.

Having graduated from Taylor Business Institute, I was very busy searching for my dream job that would take me out of my parent’s home and into one of my own. This job search would bring out a side of Matt that I had not seen before. The word to describe this side would be controlling.

You see, in Matt’s family he had little to no say in anything. He worked for his dad’s company which was run by his mother and father. They rode to work together, worked together, at lunch together and then drove home together. Oh, and they lived together.

It’s a funny thing; denial and immaturity have a way of shielding you from what is right in front of you.

In our case, I was beaten down and worn out with no self confidence and Matt was suppressed and strangled and needed an out; he also hid the fact that he had no self confidence either.

What a pair.

But, our relationship did seem to work for us. We were both very happy with each other and for the lack of a better description; starry eyed.

So, as I proceeded to look for a job. Matt suggested that I apply at Amerada Hess in Woodbridge. I was scared but excited all at the same time. This was a big company, and it was over THE BRIDGE.

Over the bridge was, for me, the city. It scared me to death, but Matt was persistent, so I applied for a position there.

Can you believe it; I got a job as a Staff Assistant, and at the salary I was looking for. The low end, but in the range none the less.

This job for me was a blessing a curse all wrapped up into one. I learned a lot there; meet great friends and it gave me the background to move on and upward in the secretarial field.

But, and there is always a but isn’t there; it was a hour away from home, and that was in the winter. Summer was a different story entirely. I had to leave early and I returned home late.

Late for a mother of two young children that is. Looking back, I had no business working so far from home. I could have found a job, equal in pay, closer to home. Hind sight.

Matt thought it was a good idea to work there so that’s what I did.
Unfortunately, because Matt was lacking in the self confidence department also, and I coming from a marriage that fed on draining me of mine, jealousy was sure to creep in somewhere.

Jealousy is never a good thing. When it comes on the heals of a marriage that reeked of infidelity it is almost inevitable that the spouse that didn’t cheat is going to have lasting results in the trust department when it came to dating and future relationships.

It’s funny, I trust the entire world and believe that they are telling the truth when they talk to me, but I didn’t trust Matt at all. Well, I thought I trusted Matt until my brain started to take twists and turns that I just couldn’t control.
It wasn’t that I thought he was a dog or anything, I was just so sure that he would see a woman, any woman really, who looked better than me and he would want her. And according to me, all women looked better than me. It was inevitable; he was going to cheat, sooner or later.

This is also where the confidence angle comes in. I just didn’t have any. So when Matt suggested that we go to Atlantic City for a day of gambling and then dinner, I was so excited. It didn’t take longer after we got there for me to realize, in my mind of course, that we were only there so he could ogle the cocktail waitresses, and possibly get lucky with one of them.

Where this little sex scenario with the voluptuous waitress would take place, I had no idea. All I know is that is what was on Matt’s mind.

It didn’t have anything to do with spending a fun day with me or playing blackjack, which he loved. It was all about the cocktail waitresses in skimpy outfits; nothing more and nothing less. He wanted those women and I was just there until he got one. Nothing that he could say to me would convince me otherwise. I sulked the entire day, with intermittent tears and periods of complete silence.

And it’s funny, when I met Gary, he absolutely worshipped me. I could do no wrong and there was not another woman on the planet that he wanted to be with. Wow, I can really charm, them can’t I? They go from worshipping me to almost killing me. I must be doing something wrong.

Poor Matt had to bear the brunt of this jealousy for many years; although Matt had his moments of jealous temper tantrums as well. When I got the job at Hess, that he wanted me to get, he was sure I would leave him for one of the gasoline salesmen that I worked with; like I said before, what a pair.

We had something that most people just dream of and we came damn close to ruining it many times over.

I still get jealous, but it is very rare, and it is the natural kind. You know, the twinge in your stomach, your face getting flushed, simple things like that. Not a crying jag that lasts for hours, or days for that matter because you are sure that your man wanted the good looking check –out girl at the grocery store who just happened to smile at him, or Natalie Wood. Yup, Matt mentioned to me once that he thought she was attractive and I didn’t let that go for about five years, even after the poor woman had died.

I was so possessed back then. I do not know how Matt put up with it. He was very understanding and he knew the history I had with Gary. That doesn’t change the fact that he had to endure very intense outbursts because of my insecurities.
Perfect example. Matt was the member of a volunteer organization at one time during our early years of marriage.

Every Christmas they would have a party for the all-male members. At this party, because no party is complete without them, were strippers who not only undressed down to nothing, but they would perform different acts on each other, and any member that felt the need to prove his manhood by fornicating with the entertainment.

What a gift to bring back to your wife. Merry Christmas dear, I just gave you the clap.

Now, I realize that Matt never touched these women. He was one of a handful of men who actually respected their wives and their marriage and chose to watch but not touch. While this small band of trusted husbands were being teased for being pussies, my beloved gave it right back by letting them know that there were some men who actually believed in the sanctity of marriage and if they didn’t like it too bad.

Well, the day after the first such Christmas party that Matt went to, he told me there were girls there but did not tell me that they got naked and had lots of sex with anyone that wanted it, in front of the other members no less.

This was to spare the both of us a very unpleasant day. So when our friend came over, a member also, and went on about how gross the girls were and the guys that partook in the orgy, I just lost it.

Matt’s face went from gray to white to blue all in about one minute. Our friend left and I went off. It didn’t matter that these girls were disgusting; I knew even though he didn’t touch them, that he wanted them. I told him that the next time we had sex I was sure he would be fantasizing about one of the dancers, and not thinking about me.

As I sit here writing this I had a thought for the first time. I can guarantee you that if that had been a party that I had been to with all women, and men had preformed for us with the option of us participating in sex with them, he would have been just as upset and outraged as I was.

The bottom line is that it would have been just as wrong for me as I thought it was for him. God it takes me along time to come to certain conclusions.

I could not shake that feeling. And to make matters worse, for me anyway, the party that these men had the following day for the children was in the same room as their party had been. How gross is that.

I guess some people have no conscience.

Then there was the time that Matt took me to see where he did a lot of his work at the Engineering Company. It was your typical warehouse/office building. I was very excited to see where my man worked on some of the large pieces of equipment that his company painted. I just love that he-man stuff.

Upon walking into the office, you are immediately hit with the smell of paint and oil. This was a very manly place. No frills here. The few offices were small, basic and functional. The back, where the actual work was preformed was large and impressive.

Leave it to me though to only notice that on most of the walls were pinups of women in various stages of un-dress. Now, what do you think I did? I cried. I was beyond upset. So, this is why he came here day after day. Surely not to work; nope it was to look at those pictures and fantasize about being with them and not me.
What finally caused me to stop being such an idiot you ask? I’ll tell you.

Matt finally had a sit down with me and asked me point blank, “Do you trust me?” Of course I did, how could he ask me such a foolish question. I kid you not. I thought I did trust him. It was the allure and sex appeal of every other woman on earth that I didn’t trust. It certainly wasn’t him. Or so I thought.

You know what, I did trust him, it was my insecurity in myself that I was not good enough for anyone that I didn’t trust. I had never looked at it that way before. I had been hurting him for so long with these fits of jealousy, and never realized that I was basically telling him he was a no-good womanizer.

I felt horrible. How could I not have seen? This is a question that I have asked myself far too many times during my life, don’t you think? The problem was, I didn’t think, not clearly anyway.

It just didn’t occur to me that I could keep a man happy; intellectually, sexually, or for that matter, any reason. So I put all this bullshit onto Matt’s shoulders, making him defend himself for years for things he hadn’t done just because I was afraid.

I was doing what I swore I would never do. I was taking all my fears that I got from my marriage from Gary and I was putting them on Matt.

I was so ashamed and embarrassed. It took hurting Matt for me to realize that it had to stop. I had to find a way to channel all that fear. It wasn’t easy because I wasn’t just afraid that he would cheat on me physically, I had a horrible fear of him mentally cheating on me as well.

Now, that is just insane. You can’t, and shouldn’t, dictate a person’s thoughts or what they fantasize about. Jesus, talk about Big Brother. It is just insane to assume you could even try. I had to somehow find my inner strength and confidence if this cycle was going to stop. Otherwise, my second marriage would be over and I would have only myself to blame.

It took a long while of biting my tongue and forcing myself not to cry, rant and rage, but eventually I started to have more confidence in myself and trust in Matt’s love for me; or better yet, his respect for me and the meaning of marriage.

I had been such a fool. I wonder sometimes where my brain goes. I think it just vacations for a while and doesn’t tell me it’s gone. Then it comes back and things seem clearer to me.

I'm telling you, damaged brain cells is the only answer.