Brittany, my beautiful middle child and only daughter

Where do I start with Brittany?

Brittany is one of those rare human beings that defies all the odds. She has survived when so many said that she would not; doctors, teachers and friends.

I am sorry to say, that I had moments in which I didn’t think she would either.
She is the woman that I wish I was. Brittany is the embodiment of what I think a human being should be. She is strong and independent, yet vulnerable and sensitive. She has her priorities straight and is absolutely her own person. Dread locks, tattoos and all.

When I got pregnant with Brittany I was on birth control. We could by no means afford another child, hell we could barely afford Shayne at that point, but the thought of having an abortion at that point in my life was not something that I could even consider.

So, there we were with Shayne nine months old and me pregnant. Gary’s family was not happy. In fact, when I told them that I was pregnant, they didn’t respond; literally. We were at the dinner table and after I made my announcement, the dinner conversation got quiet for about ten seconds and then it was conversation as usual. Nothing, I was embarrassed and hurt.

We had not planned on the pregnancy, and it was going to be tight with two small children and Gary and me not making much money; but to just ignore it was, in my opinion, cruel. It wasn’t until a week or so later that I heard from Gary’s side of the family. Gary’s sister apologized and wished us well.

This is a family that planned everything.

Although my family was concerned about the financial part of it, they were happy for me. They felt that life was a miracle and when there was family to lean on, all was right with the world.


Brittany was born on December 7, 1979. Her life started out as most babies do. She was cute, happy and loved.

The bliss did not continue.

Gary was growing more and more agitated at home. He shook Brittany’s bassinet once so hard I thought for sure she would be harmed. Thank God, she wasn’t; just very scared. This should have registered in my brain as very serious and I should have left right then and there.

I didn’t leave.

Because of her age, I think that Brittany escaped most of the immediate effects of my staying with Gary. What she could not escape were the residual effects; her brother’s anger, my tension and fear and everything that went with that.

Brittany was a very happy but sensitive child. She was a home body. So when she was invited to a party when she was in the second grade, I persuaded her to go. As it turned out, the girls in her class were not very nice. The birthday girl told Brittany that she was invited so that the other girls could laugh at her. My heart was broken, but I never said a word to that child’s mother. I brought Brittany home and told her that people like that weren’t worth our time.

If that happened today, with me the way I am now, I would have taken Brittany home, and gone back when all the children had gone and l would have laid into that woman something fierce.

Shame on me.

As the years rolled by, Brittany was your typical adolescent girl who had friends, a nice little social life, and a beautiful smile.

That all changed almost over night when she was in the seventh grade. My sweet daughter went from a smiley, blonde, happy girl, to a very sad and angry teen whose hair literally changed coler almost over night. Blonde to dark blonde; very noticeable change. It's scary what the body can do to you.

It is hard to comprehend how this could have come on so fast.

Eighth grade was difficult. Brittany was getting more and more violent and erratic. Her outbursts at school were becoming more frequent and her teachers were beginning to fear for her and themselves.

It took a call from the school, a trip to the emergency room and then the worst day of my life, when I committed my daughter to a hospital because we were afraid she was becoming suicidal. She was hospitalized for 19 days and it was one of the worst times that we have ever gone through.

You cannot imagine the anguish that comes with leaving your child in a place like that, especially when you are the one that signed the papers to have her committed. Those words resonate in my mind even today. I had my daughter committed. Did I save her or make it worse? Time would tell.

Brittany must have been so frightened and angry with me. Well, three weeks later Brittany was back home, and misdiagnosed. We were told that Brittany suffered from clinical depression. Not the case. Her psychiatrist prescribed Paxil. Within a month or two, while at an appointment with her psychologist, Dr. Sokolor, Brittany asked me to leave the room.

What she needed to confide to the Dr. was that she was having feelings of suicide and it scared her. She felt she needed to be re-committed to the hospital to find out what was going on. My daughter did not want to die and she didn’t think she had the strength to stop it.

I thank God often for her strength.

Back to Fair Oaks we go. This trip was not nearly as traumatic. Although it was very sad, it was also hopeful. This was Brittany’s decision, and she was confident that she had made the right one.

My husband and Shayne did not want her to go back. But, this was her decision, and although they were frightened for her, they knew that she had to go, for her own safety, sanity, and a chance for a life without depression.

This stay was so much easier. Brittany wanted to be ok again and knew that this was the way to find out what was going on in her mind.

So, after three weeks it comes to light that Brittany is bipolar.

The new psychiatrist that we took Brittany to is the one that told us all about the dangers of losing Brittany to drugs, alcohol, and violence and just about anything you could think of.

As it turns out, it appeared that these things were going to, eventually, claim my child.

The medications that she was put on made her sick, gave her tremors, and at times did nothing to keep the depression from striking. The manic side was frightening also, partly because you knew what was coming when she crashed; binge drinking, self mutilation and violence directed towards me.

It was a constant fear of ours that we were not going to be able to help Brittany deal with this. The doctor had told us that the age that this hit Brittany, 12, was the worst. As a teen it is so difficult when your body and mind are on the straight and narrow. But when a teenager is hit with a chemical imbalance, it is just almost too much.

When Brittany’s drinking started and I knew that some drugs were involved, I did what I did best. I kept it to myself and tried to help her without involving even her father. Matt and I talk about that sometimes now, when we allow our minds to go back to those days and wish that we had been different people then.

In the tenth grade Brittany left the high school, and went to a school for kids with problems; Sea Breeze.

Sea Breeze was good for her. It was very small and they were trained to deal with kids who had issues whether it be bipolar, depression or any other serious issue you could think of.

This is where Brittany met the future father of our granddaughter.

Brittany responded to the medication over time and being in Sea Breeze was making a difference in her. Brittany was accepted for who she was. The kids in the regular high school did not.

Children can be very cruel; and when someone is suffering from any type of emotional or chemical imbalance it can have disastrous results. Brittany was struggling every day to get by and when one of the beautiful people, you know, the cheerleader, the jock, the popular club, felt that they wanted to make your life miserable, they would. Never getting caught and always loving it.

I realize not all of the popular cliques are like that, I really do. It is just very frustrating when it is your child that is being tortured and there is little or no recourse.

Schools like normal. Little molds of the same student but with different hair and clothes. Stepford students I like to call them. One of the things that I love about Brittany today is her uniqueness. She doesn’t follow the crowd and has her own sense of style. Very refreshing.

Her first year at Sea Breeze was eventful, if nothing else. Highs and lows; new friends and new fears for her. The drinking and drug use were escalating and she was still very excitable and prone to violent outbursts with me.

I went through a period when my shins were black and blue for weeks at a time. She would grab my arms, with her Doc Martins on her feet and just kick at me. I would hold on to her as long as she held on to me and just let her kick. Let her get it out on me, not on someone else. You know your children. This was not a mean or nasty child - this was a young woman who was so hurting inside that she needed a release.

I let her use me.

When Brittany was seventeen years old she met Joshua. Joshua was a James Taylor look-a-like. Brittany fell hard for him and they soon became a couple. The problem was that Brittany was very insecure and easily controlled; in a relationship with a boy that is, and Joshua had a very confident and controlling personality.

The good side of this was that in the beginning at least, Brittany actually smiled again sometimes.

As it turned out, with all the ups and downs that we might have expected, Brittany graduated high school. She even found the courage to walk with the graduating class of the high school in our town where the other kids had been so cruel to her. She was scared to death but walked with her head held high. With her tiara on, clutching her purse, Brittany marched up to the podium and received her diploma.

For Matt and I, that was one of our proudest moments.

After that Brittany got a job and things seemed to be turning around for her, or so we thought. There were bad days, of course. Brittany would describe her down days as being in a dark hole with no way out, suffocating her.

As her life started to spiral again, it seemed only a matter of time before something awful would happen to our child. It was during this time that she shaved most of her hair off making her look even more intimidating than she had before.

The severe ups and downs of bipolar are unimaginable to those who have not been touched by it.

It got so bad that I found myself sleeping on the couch every night. I just never knew how she was going to come home, or when. Just try to keep your child in the house when she doesn’t want to stay. My failure, not hers. But since she had up days as well as down ones, I always hoped that when she went out on a good day, she would remain in one.

Sadly, it doesn't work that way.

On more occasions than I would like to remember, when Brittany came home after drinking more than I can even imagine, she would decide she needed to shower. Those evenings were the worst. Those evenings always went the same way. Brittany would get in the shower, after my pleading with her not to, and after fifteen or twenty minutes, I would knock on the door to see if she was ok. She would tell me she was and to leave her alone. After thirty minutes I would unlock the door and try to talk her out of the water.

Very angry by now and telling me to get the fuck out the bathroom and leave her alone. By this time I was not only worried about Brittany I was scared to death that Matt would wake up. As wonderful as he can be, he had a bad temper and little patience, I didn’t think I could handle him yelling and not at all helping the situation and Brittany going off in a rage and possibly leaving the house.

Once out, I would get her in bed, and she would usually sleep through. It was after one of these events that I told Brittany that she would have to leave if she continued to behave in such a way and drink constantly.

I couldn't handle her when she was at her lowest and I didn't think I could watch her slowly kill herself; which I am convinced was her plan whether she knew it or not.

It is hard to understand the rage and anger my child had. The medication didn’t seem to be working again and the Dr. was constantly changing her prescription and dosage to try to find the right combination. It was a very long process.

On one occasion Brittany and I were in our back yard. We had a beautiful built in pool. We had just purchased a metal and glass patio table and chairs. I don’t know what got Brittany so angry but she proceeded to throw two of the chairs in the pool. Begging her to stop, I jumped into the pool to get the chairs out before they ripped the liner. Much to my surprise, Brittany threw the remaining four chairs into the pool, at me.

I had absolutely no control. This was not done in a rage, but a very calm anger.

Very scary.

Our life was a roller coaster ride with Brittany’s emotions,with waves of false senses of calm only to then again rise up and strike.

It was on Brittany’s 20th birthday that all of the parties, drugs and booze would come to a screeching halt. Brittany was going to have a baby. At midnight on her birthday she came out of her room and very calmly told me that she was pregnant. Matt was asleep so I decided that I would tell him in the morning, without Brittany present.

Matt had a way of exploding before the calm of reason set in. I did not want him saying anything off the cuff that he didn’t mean, in front of Brittany. There was no time for that shit. She needed to know that we were there for her, period.
Not one person in my family let her down. It was wonderful.

Who knew that when Brittany got pregnant it would be the turning point that she needed to turn her life around and become the woman that she is now. Motherhood isn’t for everyone, but it is very clear that it is for Brittany. She was a natural.
It was known from the beginning that Brittany and her boyfriend would not be getting married, and that she would be living at home with the baby.

July 31, 2000, Madison was born. She was perfect. From day one Brittany handled her responsibility with a determination that made the entire family proud.

It was a very difficult transition for Brittany and Joshua in the beginning. But, over time and many disagreements, they have come to what I consider a very healthy and mutual understanding as to what is best for Madison.

Madison has family on both sides that love her and want only the best for her.

Madison is 10 now and she is a polite, happy, smart and interesting little girl.

All that Madison is today is because of her mother.

Teachers go out of their way to let Brittany know what a wonderful job she is doing. Family friends sit back at parties and watch how Brittany and Madison interact with each other, how Brittany can be patient and stern at the same time, always doing what is best for Madison. Always being her mother, not her friend.

I am so jealous.

Growing up, Brittany didn’t show any of the anger that Shayne had for Gary, but had decided early on that he was not someone that she wanted to know. About a year ago, Brittany wrote him a letter. She has not mailed it yet, but she plans to eventually. She decided that if I could come to terms with who he was and what he did, and not hate him, then she could too.

When Madison was four years old, Brittany and Madison moved out of our home and into a house with Brittany’s fiance, Jason. Jason is a great guy who loves my daughter and Madison. He is a rarity in the fact that he loves Madison, takes care of her and treats her like his own, but has never tried to be a father to her. Madison has a father that is in her life and she loves him very much.

It is so refreshing to see Jason with her. He doesn’t need to act like her father to be an important person in her life.

Brittany and Madison love to go places together; the beach, boardwalk, one of the parks that we have in town. They love their outings together.

One day when Madison was about five, Brittany took her to the local park to play on the swings and such. Once they got to the play equipment, Madison went up to a little girl and asked if she wanted to play. Her mother and the other mothers looked at Brittany with her tattoos and dreadlocks, took their children and left.

My beautiful daughter cried while her five year old consoled her. My granddaughter told her mother not to let those mommies upset her, they weren’t worth it. To this day Madison asks me why some people are so mean. I don’t have an answer for her. All I can tell her is to feel sorry for people that are so closed-minded.

One look at my daughter's smile tells it all. Kind, sincere and humble with sparkling eyes that show no sign of malice or threat.

I really do hate people some times.

Brittany now runs the small cleaning company that Matt and I started with her when Madison was about a year old. She has gone from not being able to make a phone call to running it entirely by herself. Her clients, most of them older, adore. They look at her soul, not her dreadlocks or tattoos. They know that Brittany is there, not only to clean for them, but to watch out for them, care for them and she is very sweet company for them.

Brittany also sews. She is now making hand-made bags and selling them almost faster than she can make them.

Who knew that this troubled little girl would turn out to be a business owner, wife and mother.

On my 51 birthday Brittany wrote me a poem.

I read this and just could not control my emotions. What better gift could a mother ever get from her child?

Mama

Happy Birthday Mama, today you’re 51,
Perhaps I should say thank you for all that you have done
Like the times you always helped me when I couldn’t stand alone,
And for telling me how proud you are at how much I have grown.
I apologize for everything that made you fear for me,
And for hurting you in many ways because I failed to see
That the only thing I needed was my mama next to me.

There are no words to describe how I feel inside about my daughter. I have a love and respect for her that knows no bounds.

She is my strength when I truly don’t think I can go on anymore.

I am humbled to be her mother.