Menopause and sex toys

Menopause, the time in a women’s life when she could have sex without abandon; wild and crazy with no fear of getting pregnant. No more monthly period to get in the way; well, of anything, that monthly curse that always seemed to leave its mark on me; literally.

During my fertile years, I was a die-hard diaper wearer. Oh, I used tampons when I was younger, that is until toxic shock syndrome came out. After that, you couldn’t catch me putting one of those death swabs in me. I was convinced that I would be that one-in- a million women to wither and die because I left it in for longer than four hours.

It wasn’t the death that scared me as much as the cause. How embarrassing, dying because of a cotton swab infection. I just couldn’t have that.

When I started getting my period in the sixth grade, menopause was not something that I thought of at all. It seemed like an eternity of time before I would reach that point in my life.

In my mind, menopause meant old, gray and shriveled, and of course, sexless. Oh shit, I am old and gray.

I’m not shriveled thought, just lumpy.

Anyway, by the time I started showing signs that menopause was approaching, I couldn’t wait.

As it was, it took about seven years for me to finally cross over that threshold. Periods coming so irregular I decided to just wear Depends every day, thus there would be chance of an accident.

As far as the hot flashes were concerned; a gentlemen that I work with suggested putting cones around my desk during times of intense flashes. Apparently I could be rather unapproachable when these flashes hit. Not a pretty picture.

As my luck would have it, during those same seven years that I was racing towards the finish line, my husband’s health was deteriorating and requiring more and more medications. Cholesterol, anxiety, and oh, let’s not forget, the quadruple bypass.

Do I need to spell that out for all you women with healthy husbands? Let’s just say that a good half of all my husband’s medications have side effects that a woman might find, let’s just say, inconvenient.

Humpf, forget about his health, what about my sex life. I mean come on, let’s prioritize ladies.

So, needless to say, when a friend of mine invited me to a party featuring adult toys and paraphernalia, where do I sign up; I jumped at the chance to go.

If Michele has another party, I am bringing wine.

Lisa, you drink red, right?

That party was such a blast. I don’t remember laughing that hard, ever. There had to be 30 women in attendance; all ages, sizes and backgrounds.

The hostess was hysterical; Germanesque in stature and as funny and raunchy as you can get. She walked in the front door with a suitcase that you could have fit a small car into.

The room fell silent as she laid her magic suitcase down and ever so slowly, opened it up for all of us to see. My God it was like heaven, there were enough vibrators in there to supply energy for the entire northeast quadrant of the United States.

Lotions, lubricates and assorted miscellaneous items to satisfy even the most frustrated woman, or man for that matter. Needless to say, I learned a great deal about sexual hardware, how to use it and what never to do with it.

At the end of the show, our hostess went into a bedroom to take orders; privately. If anyone was shy or embarrassed at the beginning of this party, that all flew out the window when it was time for ordering. There was a line forming before this woman even had a chance to set up her inventory and payment machine.

I’m surprised there wasn’t a stampede trying to be first on line. Every single woman ordered something; including me.

Luckily for us, most items ordered were on hand to bring home immediately; discretely packaged in a brown bag, of course.

As I left, brown bag clutched in my hand, I couldn’t wait to go home and show my husband what I had purchased. Something for him, something for me and something for us. I was like a kid in a candy store. Giddy, silly and ready to roll.

My husband was excited with my purchases, but for one reason or another, they never came out of the bag again, that is until one dismal day when I was home alone.

Bored and not wanting to go out, it came to me like a beacon; hmmmm what about my toys. That would be the first time that day that I blushed. As I pondered whether or not I should, would, or dare to use my new toy, I was overcome with the feeling that I was being watched. Mind you, there wasn’t anyone else home; no one was expected home and the dogs could have cared less as to what I was planning on doing.

So, I summoned up my courage and decided to go for it. I mean, after all, I’m 55 years old for Christ’s sake; live a little. Be brave; in my own home, all alone; pathetic.

I am quite the maverick aren’t I?

I slowly got up and proceeded to walk down the hall; my heart was pounding as if I were about to meet my secrete lover for an afternoon of unbridled passion. Thoughts raced through my head; do I put on something more comfortable, do I try to seduce myself, pour myself a glass of wine?

I opened my bedroom door, looked around just to make sure no one was there, trying to get a glimpse of what I am about to do. I quietly walked over to my secret hiding place, took out the unopened box that held my passion within its cardboard and plastic resting place, almost not able to contain myself.

My hands were trembling as I opened the box; gently, I unwrapped the beast that lied within. Behold, it was the King Kong deluxe model vibrator; batteries included; in royal blue no less. It was magnificent. Huge, masculine and all mine.

This baby had a vibrating shaft, rotating balls within the main shaft; along with a pig appendage that rotated at 900 miles per hour for your utmost pleasure.

When I finally got the nerve to try this baby out for size, I almost couldn’t hold the damn thing. The force of the vibrating, rotating and spinning pig face made it almost impossible for me to control, that along with the fact that I was sure the neighbors could hear this thing. It literally sounded like a 747 was about to take off.

I mean Jesus; forget about the noise, you needed at least a Masters degree in Engineering to work this thing for all the buttons and switches it had.

Suffice it to say, when I finally got control of my Kong, all it did for me was make me cry. I guess my eyes were bigger than my…… well, let’s not go there.

So for me, I am destined to live my life without the pleasure of a magic suitcase hidden under my bed.

I can tell you this though, if there is another party, I will be there, with my wine and checkbook in hand. I guess I just have to choose my products a bit more wisely.

Hey, I wonder if I can sell this on Ebay; slightly used sex toy for sale………………. Maybe not…