Tattoos, sluts and flubber

Tattoos. The forbidden fruit of the art world. The underworld of respectable society. 

No decent, God-fearing person should or would have a tattoo. Tattoos are for the easy, wanton, unbridled people of the earth.

Slutty women and low-life men. WRONG!!!!!!

You might not like tattoos, but don't judge those who do.  Lovers of tattoos are a diverse group of men and women who transverse the shackles of race, religion and economical bindings.  An expression of one's inner thoughts and dreams.


My husband has two, my son's have them as does my daughter and daughter-in-law.  Need I say more?


It's my turn.  I want a tattoo dammit.  I've wanted one for years now but my stupid stereotyping wouldn't let me even consider thinking about it.  In my mind, if you are fat you shouldn't get a tattoo, it's that simple. 


Tattoos were for the svelte, sexy woman and the hulking, tan stud.  I am neither of these, nor have I ever been. 


Fat women with dirty feet (in flips of course), permed hair (which makes them look like they have a pin head) and stained shirts that are too short for the bulging stomachs should never ever get ink.


Giant biker women from hell.  Could be the name of a horror film, but that's what I think of when I envision me with a tattoo. 


Now, I don't have a perm and I rarely, if ever expose my feet, which by the way are clean.  I might have a bulging stomach but I never wear shirts too short, lest the bulge escapes.  Very embarrassing.


BUT, for me just being overweight was enough of a reason for me not to get one. 


Until now that is.

A friend of mine is a tattoo artist and she will be doing the honor for me in about a year on her next trip east.  It will be like deflowering a virgin in some ways. 

I'm thinking wine and mood music.

I have one year to find the perfect tattoo to compliment my frame AND to prepare for the pain which I am sure I am going to endure.


My youngest son has informed me that I am going to cry like a baby.  He is probably right.


The next big decision; what to get permanently etched in my skin?


There are so many kinds of tattoos that I can pick from I'm not even sure where to start.


Tribal bands are popular.  Hmmmm, maybe not, I don't think there is enough ink in a tattoo gun to go around my guns let alone how a tattoo artist could work with such a gelatinous mass of ever moving flesh.


Visual alert; my arms are so giggly that I would think a tribal band would look more like a rubber band, stretching and ever changing its shape as my arm blub moved in the wind.


So, tribal band - OUT.


Tramp stamps.  My youngest son as forbidden me to get one; period.  Not that I wanted one anyway.  I wouldn't be able to find anything that would go there.  You see, if you haven't already guessed, I'm a big girl.  For something to go in that particular spot, it would have to be huge in size. 


I love birds, so I guess I could have the Wandering Albatross tattooed in full flight on my rump.  Head raised, of course, lest it look like he is flying right down my pants.  The Wandering Albatross have a wing span of 11 feet so I think that just might work.  But, my son won't allow that so back to the drawing board.


Tramp stamp - OUT


A tall ship tattooed on my chest would resemble a ship in heavy seas.  Nope, too big for my first tattoo. 


Since it is predetermined that I'm gong to cry like a baby, I definitely need to think smaller. 


I don't want one on my foot, she might actually see my toes while tattooing; can't have that.  Wrists would hurt too much.  Face, no, that's out.  Buttock, (heheheh that work makes me laugh. I am so immature)  That will never happen. 


What's left?  My upper back/shoulder. 


What can I put there to show who I am and what I'm all about?  I need something that will speak to me and that I will never tire of.


Cheeseburger, no.  Wine glass and cheese spread; I don't think so.  Beer bottles stacked in a neat pyramid.  Nope.  I think that food and beverages are definitely out.


But what???


I GOT IT!!!!  I love fairy's, unicorns, wizards and anything and everything to do with the magical world of make believe.  Make believe, pretty much where my mind is most of the time anyway.


A fairy, that's what it has to be.  She will be beautiful, muted in color and almost shy in her nature.  It will be the perfect tattoo in the perfect size for me. 


I'll be so seductive when it's finally done.  My life will change because of this work of art that will be displayed on my body.  I'm actually shivering with anticipation.


I can see it now............


Picture it, I'm sitting in a dimly lit bar with cigarette smoke eerily swirling around me. ( I know you can't smoke in bars but this is my fantasy so zip it)  I'll be in black 4" heels, tight jeans which will be complimented by an off-the-shoulder blouse; long silver earrings with my hair in waves framing my face. 


My tattoo will be there, in all its glory just waiting for the wandering eyes of a man, any man to see. 


Soon, our eyes will lock, he'll approach me with lust in his heart; his gaze darting between my eyes and my tattoo, but never losing focus. 


Slowly he will walk confidently across the room, never taking his eyes off of me. No one else exists except the two of us as this meeting is unfolding.


When he finally reaches me, his hand will ever so gently touch my shoulder.  It will be at that precise moment that the haze is swept away, the smoky bar room will vanish and I'll once again be slammed back to reality; my reality.


In a flash my fantasy was over. 


Shit, if I'm going to dream like that just thinking about getting a tat, I should have gotten one years ago.  Sign me up bubba and break out the needles.


Suffice it to say, I'm ready.