Rollercoaster Ride

I absolutely don't know how to process this loss. I am iterally drowning in sadness, anger and, hopelessness.  I'm a strong woman who has been through much, but this has rocked me to my knees.  

I have lost every single person that I would call when feeling desperate or depressed.  Of course I have friends, very important, close friends.  But when is enough enough? My friends, my little inner circle have issues and life changing events that isnt always good.

I want to be there for them. I want to be the friend like they have been for me, for so long.  Yet, every day, after a very long day at work. I go to my bedroom, pour a glass of wine and sit on the side of my bed.  Door open, I'm not secluding, but I'm not functioning. All day at work, I produce, do my job. but not at home. I sit. Promising myself I'll get up and do something. Clean out Matt's drawers, closet.  He isn't fucking coming back.  What the hell am I waiting for?  Does me getting rid of my husband's things mean I didn't or don't care, that I'm moving forward? No, not at all. Just trying to breath again, normally. Just breath.

I have been so angry with Matt for not "showing" himself to me. To let me know know he is ok. I was sure he would. How screwed up is that?  Mad at the dead guy.? But I was. Then, the other morning I woke up at 4:30am to our bedroom  permiated with the smell of Old Spice.  He sprayed that on himself everyday.  The bottle is still on his dresser.  I cant bring myself to move it. Cowboy didn't sense anything as he slept wedged next to me.  But I knew it was Matt.  Letting me know he wasn't mad at me for "killing" him (taking the tube out) and was there for me and letting me know I did the right thing.   

We all go through it, but this ride. This mad Rollercoaster ride with Matt, with all the ups and downs was worth it; I just wasnt ready for the ride to end.  I really miss you Santa !!  And baby, I'm trying.