Dating....the beginning of the end of my innocence

Having failed miserably at finding fault in my parent’s child rearing skills, I forged ahead in my quest, still determined to pinpoint that one moment when my mind took that wrong turn towards obscurity.

1969 brought a great many changes to our family. We were moving…It was to be my last year in Point Pleasant before our two-year trek to Illinois and what I like to call the great penis sighting, or lack there of; but that’s for later.

That summer brought with it for me friends, boys and my body. My waist went in, my hips went out and so did my breasts. I was one of the few girls leaving the seventh grade with a body I had no business having.

When young girls have what young boys want, and no clue as to what to do with it, it’s not good.

I can remember walking the boardwalk with one of my older cousins one warm July evening when a man approached and asked us if we would like to go on the beach with him; sweetening the offer by pulling out his wallet and showing us money. I was ready to go; eager and all smiles. Thankfully, my cousin brought her brain with her that night and pulled me away and off we went, back home.

It did not cross my mind not to go. I had no idea what he wanted, but I thought he seemed nice, just lonely. That pretty much says it all doesn’t it. Brain damaged at birth I would assume.

It would become crystal clear to me how a woman’s mammary glands transform normal, healthy teen boys into maniacs. I was literally chased out into the briny deep by a group of male classmates, friends, just so they could take my bathing suit top off.

After swimming out farther than my normal comfort level allows, unless of course I was trying to make my way to the shipping lanes, they caught me, took my top off and swam back to shore.

By the time I made it back to shore, I was exhausted, embarrassed, but not angry. It simply never occurred to me to get angry, offended or enraged. To be honest, I was flattered that they paid attention to me. I had no idea at the time, but this was the beginning of my journey into self-invisibility and the belief that my feelings or wants held no worth.

Can you believe I had the nerve to reproduce?

It wasn’t long after that scene of seduction on the beach that we made the move to the Land of Lincoln. I was prepared for farms, hicks and hay bales. What I got instead was a first-hand introduction into sex education, complete with props; but again, that comes later.

One of my first traumatic experiences came, not with boys, but with a gym teacher from hell. Uniforms were worn by all the girls who participated in gym. It was a one-piece cotton atrocity; absolutely hideous. Now, most of the girls I was in school with were thin, under developed and gawky. I, on the other hand was stacked, complete with full thighs and hips.

Our gym teacher despised our uniforms. So, to make a point to the principal as to why we needed a new style uniform, she brought me down to his office to show him how a well-built young girl could not modestly wear such a uniform. JESUS CHRIST JUST SHOOT ME NOW.

If that wasn’t bad enough, this same gym teacher insisted that you shower after gym class. The shower room was a small, square room with nozzles protruding out of the wall at intervals of about ten inches. There were two doors in this room. You walked in one side, showered, then walked out the other side where the teacher was sitting with a clip board and what appeared to be towels no larger than a dish rag. Once your name was checked off, you got your towel,not before….. Very creepy!

There was no way I was going to get naked in front of my classmates, let alone prance around for a gym teacher who apparently loved her job way too much. Thus, my mother was called in. Guess what, I showered, but not before explaining to the girls in my class that I had been in a biking accident and that’s why my neither region looked different.

Can you fucking believe I didn’t realize a woman changed appearance down there; I thought I was deformed. And no, I still don’t like to use the clinical terms… I hate them and they make me blush.

Who comes up with these technical terms anyway, vagina; they make your most private areas sound like a disease; but I digress….

With the exception of my time with the gym teacher from hell, the eighth grade was good; I made great friends and even landed me a man.

As luck would have it, my boyfriend was a very cute, popular boy and I was amazed that he wanted to go out with me. Alarm bells should have gone off; I couldn’t be that lucky. Sure enough, I was right. It seems all he wanted to do was take me behind the library in the woods to get my shirt off. What is it about breasts that make boys/men nuts. I just don’t get it. If my "girls" could pick the winning lottery number I might understand, but nothing…they do nothing.

Ninth grade would turn out to be the catalyst in my life that would forever change the way I looked at myself as a sexual being. My thoughts and dreams of what I wanted were put away, not to be brought out again for a long time.

It wouldn’t be long before I had a new boyfriend; an older man. He was Junior.
I was amongst the big boys now; I was very impressed with myself. I actually don’t recall this guy’s name, but he was a twin. Now, of course, there was a good twin and a bad twin. Can you take a guess as to which twin I liked? Of course, I liked the bad twin. He was a huge guy, tall, beefy and strong. He even had facial hair for Christ’s sakes. Looking back, he kind of resembled Paul Bunyan. My parents did not know about this guy. It was bad enough that my sister Susan saw us walking down the hall holding hands. She was not happy. She pulled me aside and asked me what the hell was I doing with him; her friends had warned her about this beast and to make sure I wasn’t seeing him. Being a mature woman of 14, I knew what was right for me and I didn’t listen; I told her to mind her own business, I assumed she was jealous. Wrong!!!!!!

My friend Jill and I were in town one day; mind you, the town of Oswego at that time was maybe three blocks long, not what you would call a booming metropolis. Anyway, we were just walking around and my boyfriend pulled up in his car and asked me if I wanted to go for a little ride. Jill didn’t seem to mind so I, of course, said sure. This guy and I had never even gone on a date; we just held hands in school while going from class to class.

So, off we go, my first time in a car with a boy; I was in heaven. I hoped all my friends would see me and be so envious. That wouldn’t happen either, he drove us to a park that I had never been to before. We meandered around the shrubbery until we were in the most secluded spot you could find. On his advice, we got into the back seat so we would be more comfortable. Bells should have going off at this point; why the back seat, I was perfectly comfortable in the front. It was day time for Christ's sakes.

I was like a pet dog, wagging my tail, wanting to please my master, so into the back seat we went. To do what, I had no idea, but I was soon to find out. Before I knew it, he placed my hand on his penis; his bare, naked, exposed penis. I hadn't even noticed that he unzipped his pants; Jesus Christ this guy was smooth.

Had I had a lobotomy and no one told me?

Regardless, it was huge, hairy and the scariest thing I had ever felt in my life. Now, up to that point I had never seen, let alone touched a penis. I decided right then and there that it was not something that I wanted to see. I never looked down. It could have had teeth for all I knew. I did what any normal girl in the ninth grade would do. I cried. I did not have the slightest idea what he wanted me to do with it either. My mind went blank and I just panicked. It was just awful.
It’s a good thing that I didn’t know what oral sex was back then, because if I had, and he thought for one minute that I would have put that gorilla’s arm in my mouth he was sadly mistaken.

He brought me home, never to speak to me again.

It wouldn’t be long before I did the unthinkable; I said yes when all I wanted to do was say no…..