Oral what????????????????????????

You would think that after my introduction into a man’s anatomy by King Kong, the last thing that I would want would be another boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that’s not the case. I wanted a boyfriend more than almost anything; more specifically, I wanted to have his ring wrapped with a rubber band so it fit, sitting nicely on my finger.

Now, that would make me a somebody.

I guess I thought it would make me better, more complete; and boy would that ring look nice on my finger.

Growing from a girl to a young woman in a small-sleepy Illinois town was not anything like I had anticipated. Casual days waking down country roads along with friends and, of course, a dog; lemon aid and BBQs with family were not the norm. I was grouped in the community pool by boys who hadn’t noticed my figure in clothes, started smoking cigarettes and discovered the nectar of the Gods….Boones Farm Strawberry Hill wine.

Our days were spent hanging out at friend’s homes whose parents were at work or down in the woods off the main road; there was a creek down there and it was very private. We smoked, talked about our lives, hopes and dreams; and of course, boys and what we would or wouldn’t do with them if we ever had the chance.

When talking about boys, we didn’t just talk about sex mind you, I was still just a kid after all. My bedroom walls had posters of David Soul and Bobby Sherman all over them. I watched faithfully HERE COME THE BRIDES; I was in love with the Bolt brothers and I wanted that life. My God all I wanted was to marry David Soul and live on that mountain. Once again, fantasy was the key ingredient in my mind and thoughts.

I think, if memory serves me correctly, David Soul was arrested years later for beating his wife. Fantastic, even my fantasy men have serious issues.
When God made me, he broke the mold.

It was during one of these long days that Jan, our most experienced and mature friend, brought us into the world of gown-up sex. The days of wondering what older couples did would only be a memory after the lesson we were about to get. Nothing could have prepared me for what she shared with us.

She had been on a date down by the library when her boyfriend attempted to pleasure her. As she was speaking, the rest of us were just staring, looking at her, and not quite understanding what she was trying to tell us. It was like, ok and you mean what exactly?????????????????

This was the first time we ever heard of, dare I say it, oral sex. What the hell is that?

I almost threw up. I mean, it wasn’t a year ago that I thought I was physically deformed and now I find out that someone would actually go down there, on purpose. What would possess anyone from venturing there with their mouth; and to do what exactly, I didn’t want to know?

And we thought that French kissing was bad. I just could not come to terms with this, and when the flip side of this was explained, I almost fainted dead away on the floor. It was all so clear to me now, what my furry boyfriend had wanted me to do when he exposed himself to me in the back seat of his car. That would have killed me for sure. Talk about a hair ball……

So many things I would change if I could do it all over again. Can you imagine where you would be today if you could go back – knowing what you know now…….. The possibilities are endless; but again, I digress.

So, my quest for a man continued; once again to where I didn’t belong.
Scott was the next “love of my life”. He was big, blonde, beautiful, and he had absolutely no neck. I was in heaven. It was the summer before I entered the ninth grade; he had just graduated high school and was headed off to college in September on a football scholarship. I was now invincible; I had myself a college man!
After only one date, my mind raced into the future. He would come home on winter break, march into the high school (during class mind you), pick me up, literally, and carry me out of the school , off to live happily ever after.

Reality isn’t always present in my mind. Fantasy is so much more fun.
My first; and I mean very first make out session happened at a stop sign, right in the road, on our way home from the movies. He didn’t even pull over. I guess I was so hot he couldn’t wait.

You would have thought that such a good looking-football stud would have been a great first-time make out partner. Not even close. This moment in time will be stuck in my memory forever. Not only did my blonde stud kiss with his mouth wide open, but in the middle of all of this he burped; yup right in my mouth. Can you guess what I did? NOT A DAMN THING. He didn’t pull away and apologize so I kept right on trying to find his lips with mine, nearly suffocating as my nose was partially in his mouth as well.

I had never French kissed before, but I knew that this could not be the proper way to do it.

His kissing never improved, but thank God he never tried anything other than tonsil hockey. I guess I can count my blessings for that. If he kissed that bad, can you imagine how his loving making would have been. Had that happened I most likely would have been scared for life, never to experience what true lovemaking was all about.

I would have given anything to be a fly on the wall when he tried to kiss a college girl with that mouth. When I say wide open, you have to understand, he could have been mounted on any wall as a prize Big Mouth Bass.

When the time came for him to go off to college, regardless of his shortcomings in regards to making out, I was hoping that our love affair would continue. That wasn’t to be the case. I received a letter shortly after he left stating that he needed to be with a women more his own age; he couldn’t live the lie any longer. You see, my parents had no idea how old he was; I had told them that he was 16. He didn’t look it, but they believed me never the less.

Very dramatic, and of course, I was devastated, yet again.

Fate!

I was convinced that all this happened so I would meet the new “love of my life”, or so I thought.

My soon to be new relationship, and the path that we chose to take, would prove; without a shadow of a doubt that I had absolutely no will of my own.