If only do-overs were possible.

Freshman year; the start of life in high school; new beginnings, friends and hopefully, a man; I mean after all, we were adults now.

It wouldn’t take long for things to happen for me; I had a new boy friend. I felt a sense of maturity now that I was a freshman. I didn’t realize that it had nothing to do with what school you were in or how old you were; it had everything to do with who you were on the inside and how you handled yourself.

I proved that point with crystal clarity without even knowing it by how I behaved.

I made out with my new love in the hall ways between classes, hugged and held hands whenever possible; showing affection was what you did when you were mature. Didn’t all high-school girls act like sluts? Very tacky.

The next step I took to confirm how grown up I had become was to go to school sans a bra. I have always had large breasts, and in my red and blue stripped tee shirt, I strolled into the school feeling free, independent and oh so cool.

It seems the principal didn’t seem to think so, nor did he like the fact that I was partaking in very un-lady like behavior all over the school. I got called into his office along with a female guidance counselor to advise me that it was not something that nice girls should be doing with a boy, especially in school, and my attire was not appropriate for, period.

For someone as independent as I thought I was, I was mortified, and to add insult to injury, not wearing a bra hurt. Those girls swung and swayed all day, I practically needed to put them in a sling when I got home.

My days of showing such affection in school were over, and so were my dressing like a liberated lesbian.

It wouldn’t be long though, before John decided that we needed to take our relationship to the next level; isn’t that what couples did to show their love for each other? So it seemed.

After one of our dates John professed his love for me and asked me if I felt the same. Oh my God I was so happy. I was in love with someone who loved me too. Nothing could have damped that moment for me, nothing. Wrong just once again!!!!!!!!!!!

It was his thought that when two people loved each other as much as we did, there was no reason not to show it the way grown-up couples did; going all the way. I bought that line hook, line and sinker. He loved me and wanted more than anything to show me just how much.

There was only one problem with his idea, I did not want to do this, at all. What part of my brain was so defective that I couldn’t just say NO?

I told him I had to think about it. I did have a condition of my own; I would not let him say “having sex” I made him say “making love”. Good Lord in heaven did that make it all ok?

Who would have thought that my decision on whether or not to have sex would be discussed with my girl friends over fish sticks and milk in the school cafeteria? It was a logical course of action for me.
So, we had a meeting of the minds during lunch to discuss my sex life. It is somewhat comical if you think about it; half the table was dead set against my doing it and the other half shocked that I wasn’t ready, willing and able to forge ahead. All the while I sat there and listened while this personal, life changing decision was made for me.

The final decision, sex it would be. I felt like I should break into I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR.

I mean after all, I didn’t want him to break up with me if I said no.

I broke the good news to John that afternoon and plans were set in motion as to the where and the when.

Back then, you didn’t just check into a hotel so as luck would have it, John had a friend, an older friend who owned his own home. Perfect.

The date was set!

Now, answer this, how do you prepare for a night of love making when all you want to do is stay home. You cry and try not to look directly into your parent’s eyes, lest they can read it on your face. That’s what I did anyway.

I really did love this guy, as much as 14 year old could, but I didn’t want to get naked and I didn’t want to do this; but I did.

Well, John picked me up and away we went.

Having never had sex before, I didn’t know what to expect. But I did know what I wanted to happen. I wanted it to be like in the movies. I wanted the romance, tenderness and I wanted the passion. I’m not sure that I knew what passion was at that age, but I knew I would know it when it happened.

I cannot describe to you how frightened I was. But, I forged ahead, ready to show him that I was all he needed. What I didn’t realize was that his friend was going to be home the entire time. He was a much older guy, and very strange. I think his name was Ray.

So, we get to his house, say our hellos and off we go into the bedroom. We locked the door to the boudoir, got comfortable, and proceeded to get ready to do it. Oh, sorry, make love. I made him turn the lights off, the TV off and shut the blinds so absolutely no light could get in. I might have agreed to have sex but I did not agree to him seeing me naked. That was going just too far.

Ladies, all I can say is that it hurt, and when I say that there was no pleasure, I mean NO PLEASURE, and as far as foreplay was concerned, it didn’t exist. He’s lucky I didn’t know there was such a thing.

I didn’t see sky rockets, and I didn’t lay there in the after glow. I did not feel the passion. And as far as an orgasm goes, didn’t have one, and it’s a good thing to; I had never even heard that word before in my life. Jesus Christ if I had experienced one, I would have thought I was about to die You know that moment when your eyes roll back in your head and your back arches so much you could almost do a backbend; it’s at that point I would have been sure that I was about to meet my maker.

Instead, I laid there in bloody sheets, embarrassed and sore, just wanting to go home. I was so ashamed of myself.

When he had finished, five minutes later, my lover went to get us something cold to drink and, when he came back to the bedroom, he looked very odd. All I could think of was that I was awful in bed. Well, I was; I don’t think I moved during the entire time. In an instant I was embarrassed all over again. What did he expect? I had been a virgin and didn’t have the slightest idea what to do; and who was he to talk; I thought to myself. It was awful. I didn’t know what it was supposed to feel like, but I was sure that wasn’t it.

Well, he sat on the bed next to me and in his sweetest voice said. “My friend wants to sleep with you too. I told him I would ask you.”

Can you believe it? He was too afraid of this guy to say no and get me the hell out of there? I can honestly say that at least then, I had the strength to say, “NO”.

Needless to say, we left with this strange guy staring at me with one eye going one way and the other going the other way. He literally reminded me of what an escaped killer might look like.

John brought me home, telling me how much he loved me and that he was so glad we had proved our love to each other.

I, on the other hand, went home and cried for a very long time.