I'm a Widow

Have you ever been sitting around, minding your own business and a random thought just popped into your head? The other day I was chilling at the inlet, having a cry and it occurred to me; I'm a widow.  I'm a fucking widow.

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the "title". Hate it actually.  It kind of solidified that my husband was gone; forever. It's not a long hospital stay, it's permanent. He's not coming back. Ever. 

I knew that, of course, when he died, but that title or badge if you will rocked me to my core. Where do I even go from here? We had plans that incorporated his declining health. We made preparations for that.  But yet, he died.  He left me.

My children are struggling, each in their own way. How can I go to them with my grief when they are struggling on their own?  I can't intude on their process of sorry. I need to be there for them. Not the other way around.

My co-workers are wonderful, but yet again, are going through their own issues.  And have been dealing with me and Matt's health for years.  When is it time to give them a break, a pass from listening to me and my sorrow at the loss of so many in my family? My crying moments at my desk?

My friends are amazing. They are always there for me, always and ways have been.  But they have lives and trials and issues as well.  

I am lost, in limbo. Half of who I have been for over 40 years is now permanently gone. I don't even know who I am anymore.  I was half of a couple. Now, I'm just one. 

My parents are gone, my sisters are gone. My husband and Uncle Bob is gone, my confidant, my co-worker of 35 yeas is gone.  

I am heartbroken that they died, yet the  selfish side of me is angry that they left me. Matt promised me he wouldn't leave.  Yet he did. I am devastated for him, and for me. He had so much more to do, to see, to love.

I have no idea where my path is now. No idea of tomorrow. But I'll navigate it the best I can and accept my limitations and not fight my grief.  There is a process and I will take it where it leads me.  The good the bad and the ugly. 

As long as I get up every day, do my best and realize that I am allowed to grieve in my own way and in my time; however short or long it takes.

I will be there for my family the best I can be. We are and will survive this together; the four of us. Arguments and disagreements aside, we are strong and will unite together in the end. Thats what Matt wanted.

This was a severe gut punch for all of us.  Matt always came back home; until he didn't....