Due Process

I had to write this blog. As a woman, a victim of sexual, verbal and physical abuse, I felt I had no choice.  I am embarrassed of where women, not all, but many, have gone to with their self-righteous feminism. I am sure I will get a lot of backlash from this one.  So be it. This is my story and my opinions; nothing more.

I guess I need to preface this blog. Let you know a bit about who I am, and how I have evolved to this point in my life.

I grew up in a a small seashore town to parents who were Democrats. I followed their lead. Later in life my parents switched parties and became Republicans. I stayed put. Voted for Bill Clinton twice. It was during his second term I realized that the party I had embraced, had changed, at least in my eyes.  I could not relate to the Democrats need to control all under them. I couldn't understand their need to "protect" all people of color, women, etc. The perception I got was one of elite authority and  control. Stay down so I say what you get and what you need because I don't believe you can decide for yourself; all the while chanting equality.  Maybe I was the one that changed. So I started to read, listen and watch all I could about all the parties.

I came out of my research a strong Republican. Now that doesn't mean I agree with all the party stands for or all candidates.  Can you ever agree on every issue or candidate; I doubt it. But I did and still do believe people who are told continually that they are victims, will eventually believe it even if it isn't true.

I found/find it obscene when a black conservative spoke out, they were labeled an Uncle Tom. How dare someone of color have a mind of their own, thoughts or ideas  that didn't lean left. Am I the only one who finds that arrogantly controlling? For the party of inclusion and tolerance to hate anyone who doesn't follow their step?

For these reasons and so many more I chose to leave the left.

With that said I feel the need to address the confirmation hearings of Judge Kavanaugh, women's marches of today, among a few other things. I was disgusted.  The hearing was a farce. Kamala Harris and Corey Booker auditioning, and embarrassingly so, for the 2020 nomination.

I was very glad to see Republicans finally getting a spine and fighting back. It's about damn time.

And then we have Senator Feinstein. Withholding a letter for months (because the writer wanted to remain anonymous) and then leaking it. Someone leaked it, she had it. My thoughts.

Now the guts of my gripe on the whole thing.

Since when should someone be believed, or disbelieved for that matter, based solely on their sex, race, gender or anything else?  Since when does the chant "WE BELIEVE SURVIVORS" take the place of due process, of another's rights to defend themselves?

You want to be equal, then don't make up the rules as you go.

It is demeaning and insulting to assume that all women tell the truth and all men lie; and visa versa.

What do I know about anything?  At 17 I was raped by my boyfriend.  Not just forced, raped.  This boyfriend of mine also verbally and physically abused me, which I allowed. Damn near cracked my skull once. And the man that saved me from him, my first husband, evolved into a physical and verbal abuser as well.  You know, guns to your head, lit matches thrown on you. Furniture hurled at you in anger.  Oh, and I'll throw in how he brought a stripper home and slept with her in our living room while I stayed quietly in the bedroom too afraid to say anything.

I know abuse and fear and humiliation all too well.  Doesn't say much for my choices or self esteem back then, but that's another blog entirely.  I know what it is to be a victim of a vicious assault.  I am not just writing this out of my ass because I'm a Republican.

Justice Kavanaugh.

This is a man who revers the Constitution and his position; not as a law maker but one who reads and understands the Constitution of the United States.  He doesn't try to make policy for one side or the other; he is for the people. His record shows that.  This man had been vetted six times by the FBI.  Nothing, ever came out of this indecent.  So, when a woman claims that something happened 35 years ago, that's it. End of discussion.  She doesn't remember much, but she knows it was him.  Her four witnesses say not so, (one of them her friend) but yet again; a woman said it happened so she must be believed.

And then you have Alyssa Milano sitting behind Judge Kavanaugh with a sign that said something like I Believe Survivors, no on Kavanaugh.  What the hell does that even mean?  Her hair up and her glasses on, she looked like a prop.  No evidence, just someone with a vagina. That's all you need now.  What does it say about our mentality when we believe someone based on their genitalia?  Again, as a woman, I'm beyond embarrassed and insulted at how "progressive" women see the world.

I don't know if something happened to Ms. Ford. If it did I am profoundly sorry. But, you cant accuse someone of something with absolutely no proof and call anyone that questions you a woman hater and much worse.

You say we are equal but you can't be questioned about an accusation, lest being called a beast with no compassion, no soul; a women hater??  You say the white men on the court are not protecting you? But then you say I am woman hear me roar.  You can't have it every which way.  Did her lawyers ever tell her the senate committee would have flown to her in confidence??

She was so used by the left it was disgusting. Talk about no compassion.

I am at a loss to understand how anyone can say all women must be believed.

Let's talk about women's marches. You have Ashley Judd screaming about how angry she is and thinks about blowing up the White House. Wearing pink pussy hats.  Nice way to make a point.

I, myself, am not defined by my genitals.

I guess my point is that, in my opinion, women are doing themselves a disservice by claiming to be a force to be reckoned with, yet in the same breath say we must always be believed at any cost.

It is not a message that I want for my daughter, granddaughter, or grandson for that matter.

What does it say to decent men that if you are accused of a crime against a woman, any woman, you are presumed guilty and have no voice, at all.  You have a penis which makes you bad.

We are so much more than our sex, gender or color; or political affiliation for that matter. Human beings, nothing more, nothing less.  All to be held accountable for our actions regardless of sex. And to the elitist snobs of Hollywood. When you come out from behind your gated lives, then we can talk about an open boarder. 

So much more to say. But not today..

People make it so much harder than it has to be by acting so entitled.  Exhausting...

Suan

To say that I am heartbroken doesn't touch how I am feeling.  I knew it would be different from when we lost our parents.  The sadness, the loss; but I could never have imagined how different this is.

My grief for Susan's passing has so many levels I don't even know where to start trying to process it.  She was taken too early, she had so many things left to do, to see and to feel and selfishly, I had so many things left to tell her.

My heart hurts so much for her.  Susan had more children to teach, bridges to go over with Miles and time to share with family and friends.

Warm summer evenings on her deck, watching the water and sipping her wine with a book on her lap.  She loved her wine and she loved her books.  Susan loved life.

I have always known that life isn't fair and it isn't easy.  No one said it would be.  But this.  I am shattered to my core and have no idea how to survive this.  I know I will.  There really isn't a choice is there?

My niece and nephews, their wives and Miles.  How do I help them when there is nothing anyone can say to ease their pain?  They lost their mother too early.  They stood by her side every step of the way and felt helpless as they watched her deal with every test, every bit of bad news and every stumbling block that hit her.  For every step she took there were five to take back.

Her cancer was relentless but she never gave up; not until the end I guess.

I feel guilty for grieving so much; like I'm being selfish.  So many people have been touched by this and I feel at times like it's only me.  I know that's not true, but I have times when I feel so alone with this pain.

Can't seem to get a handle on this grief.  I get hit with massive waves of sadness the likes I have never felt.

People die every day of all ages and means.  These people also had hopes and dreams and plans.

But this is my sister, this is our families sorrow.

All Susan wanted after she beat this cancer was a little cottage by the sea, her bicycle and her family and friends.  To teach till she was old and gray, to love her students like no one I have ever known and show them all she knew.

I am so angry this was taken from her.  I'm so sad she won't have these things, that her children won't have her anymore, that Miles will never be with her again.  That I've lost a sister, a mentor, and a friend who listened to me not eight months ago crying over my wows all the while she battled this cancer.

Mostly, I am grieving that my sister didn't get to live the life she so wanted and so richly deserved.

At the End of the Day

At the End of the Day, it's just you and your husband. No one else. No distractions.  The good the bad and the worst. That's it.

So today was the first day that Matt and I officially worked together. Matt got his real estate license and I am the weekend secretary at the office where he will hang his license.

Marriage is a funny thing. You go through ups and downs, some worse then others. During those times you decide to stay or leave, try or give up.  Defining moments.  Life-changing choices.

Matt and I have had our share of ups and downs like all married couples.  Some trivial, some marriage ending, foundation breaking times.  Stay or go. Make the choice.

We decided to fight, long and hard up hill battles that were not meant to be won. But we struggled, cried, cursed and lashed out.

And here we stand.  A bit bruised and worn, but standing nonetheless, strong, side by side.

I watched my husband today, his first day as a real estate agent, work with confidence.  Ask questions when needed and go forward alone to rise or fall, to fail or succeed.

I am so proud of him, of us.

Sitting back watching him work today, in my environment was scarey, exciting and so rewarding.

We made it through all the shit, the petty crap we all go through and the heartwrenching ups downs of a marriage.

I am so glad we stuck it out, had faith enough in each other to continue to grow, learn, grovel and forgive.

Today,  watching him, I knew we made it.

My Girls

Sitting on my couch at midnight on December 7, 1999, not able to sleep knowing something was; changing. I couldn't put my finger on it but I knew there was something in the air that just wasn't the same.  It couldn't have been five minutes later when my only daughter, who had just that day turned 20 quietly told me that she was pregnant.

I hugged her, asked her if she was sure and then just sat with her in the dark for sometime in the silence of the night, not really saying anything, just taking in the moment.  My single, out of control, bipolar, beautiful daughter was going to have a child.

Without even asking her I knew that abortion was out of the question.  It wasn't something that she believed in for herself. Adoption was out for us as a family.  We also knew that marriage was not in the cards for them.

The father and our daughter had a long and volatile relationship. She was bipolar and he had issues as well.  Both good people but not good together.

I decided that the best thing to do would be to tell her dad the next morning when cooler heads might prevail. My husband's personality lends itself to an initial outburst and then calm.

So, the next morning I woke him up with the news.  I informed him to get out any comments he felt he had to blurt out now and not in front of our daughter.  Once words are spoken, they can't be take back.  You are either on board with this or your aren't.  It's that simple. Of course, he was on board.

Fast track 17 1/2 years.  Madison, our beautiful, quirky, smart, kind and compassionate grandchild is preparing for college.

All those many years ago our daughter decided to raise this child and abandoned her issues, fears and habits. The result is an amazing young woman who has broken all the molds.

Dreadlocked, tattooed mother who took motherhood more serious than most.   She has withstood ridicule, dismissive adults and down right cruel human beings thinking they knew, when in fact, they knew nothing.

Madison is the result of a strong, determined, selfless child in her own right that did the right things for all the right reasons.

With all of Madison's successes and achievements, there was her mother, right behind her steering and navigating the waters for her, with her.

So, come June, when Madison graduates and moves forward with her life; momentarily leaving her mother behind, I can offer this little bit of thought.

Child, you have done so much with your child. In a world of the Internet when every social site holds more clout than you, you over came that, you rose above it and blew right through it.

You did it ladies.  Take a bow,  know your worth in this world and keep shining, keep moving forward and never look back.

I could not be prouder of either if you.

Open Thoughts

This is so not about me; yet I'm so lost.  I feel like I can't catch my breath; like I'm drowning within the air that surrounds me.  I have so much I want to say and have no idea how to say it. In comparison, this is nothing.

How do you begin to tell someone that the sadness you feel has no limits or bounds?

What their presence in your life has meant and still does?  How do you let them know how proud you have always been of their accomplishments, their achievements and their stead-fast resolve at everything they have done.  How their strength and weakness in what they face has been profound to see and also humbling.

Good morning. Hey there. Hi. Yo. GM. How are you? You doing ok? Tired? Feeling ok? Can I do anything?

How many ways can you say good morning to someone who you just want to know is ok, even thought you know they aren't.  Asking someone how they are when everyone asks the same question in many different ways must be tiring, yet maybe comforting knowing how many people care and love you. But, frustrating to say the least.

I could go on and on about how unfair this is, on the heels of dad's death.  How for so long you were the pillar for mommy and daddy; the bill payer, the solid voice of their needs.  Always including Barbara and I yet carrying the burden of authority.  Never one to delegate, the weight fell on you.

And now this... Unfair, yet, what is fair?  Selfish for me to say "why you, why her?" Still, I say it; not wanting it for anyone else, but certainly not for you.  Not now, not ever.

How do you let someone know how you have been so intimidated by them for so long, which makes it hard to open up, to be at ease with them at times, to say what you want to say without sounding like an idiot?  That for so long, long before this disease, you wished for more time, more moments, yet were too foolish to ask for? My weakness and lack of confidence has made our relationship; at times awkward.  I feel foolish with things that I say and answers that I get.  Out of my league.  But wait, we are sisters, born of the same cloth, yet so different.; but not.

So with this, how do you let someone know that there is no pity, just profound sadness that there is nothing you can do to change anything.  You can be there, talk, listen, hug, hold, be a punching bag; whatever that person wants or needs.  But you can't change this; no one can, we can only hope and pray that God has a plan.  You can't take it away and put it on yourself.  Which, I have learned through all of this, I would do in an instant for you sister.

How do I let you know that if this battle is lost, the space that we encompass will never be the same.  That your legacy will never be forgotten or taken for granted.  And that won't be enough; not for many, not for me. I refuse to believe that this is the PLAN; that this is how it has to be.

Fight a good fight sister, stay strong and don't lose focus.  Yet,  as you said to me one day not so long ago; you are praying for the wisdom to know when to keep fighting, yet also, to know when it's time to let go.

Dear Susan; I hope that is a decision you never have to make.

The Mirror

Who is this stranger that I see in my mirror?

The face I see in the mirror, can that be me; really, is it possible.  Where once I saw crystal clear eyes that showed excitement and wonder at every turn, I now see tired and weary eyes looking back.  I see graying hair where once I saw only blond curls blowing everywhere.  I see my face, once cute and firm, now dreary and weather worn; sagging cheeks and neck.

I see my hands, that once were trim and fit, always working; still always working but wrinkled and old.  I see my body, once attractive, fit and tanned.  Now I see sagging skin that once was taut, I see rolls where firmness once was.  I see my breasts, the ones I feed our children with, now sagging to a degree that I never would have imagined.

Where did I go?

So now, that I am aging and not the beauty of my youth, am I no longer exciting, no longer mysterious to you?  Maybe not; but my mind is still young, my heart is still young.  Do you no longer cherish me, want me or desire me?  Don't see my weary eyes, see the sparkle that is still there just waiting to be touched.  Don't see my lack of energy as lack of passion, it's there just waiting to be rediscovered.


See me....

Letter to my husband

For an obscure, unknown writer as myself, I seem to have a global following.   I get emails every week, mostly from women, who want me to tell their story.  These women are from all over the world, all ages, yet they seem to have the same story so many times.

The request that I get most is about husbands, lost love and passion.  So, I have decided to dedicate this blog to all the women who have reached out to me, told me their personal tales of sadness, happiness and hope.  They have  shared with me intimate details of their lives and for that I dedicate this blog.  I hope you find some solace in knowing you are not alone and there is hope.

I have commingled their stories into this blog.

Marriage, most likely one of the most difficult endeavors anyone can take on can be fulfilling, heartbreaking and everything else under the sun.   To say it's hard is an understatement.  Is it doable? I guess that depends on who you ask, or when in their life or marriage you ask them.

With that said, and after talking to so many women about their marriages, ( I have that face that people trust and talk to, and an email address, and I love it), ups and downs and raw heartbreak, I have decided to write a letter to my husband, meaning all husbands, as it very easily could be any of us who share theses emotions, feelings and loss that have been so painfully shared with me over the last months. This is not my story, this is your story that you have so gratiously shared with me.

And yes, it could be a blog Dear Wife, but since I am a wife and I have a husband and have spoken to many wives either in word or email, it is Dear Husband.  If I have offended anyone, get a life, realize the world does not revolve around you and see the world as it really is.

Dear husband:

Can I still call you husband?  In reality we have been more like roommates for what seems like forever.  A hug, a peck on the cheek, a glance when we walk in the door. Dinner with pleasant conversation only to part ways in the hallway at bed time.  You to your room and me to mine.  Always pleasant, always an I love you; but it seems routine, almost like a recording.  There is no emotion there.

You with your internet or TV, me with with tears and TV, longing for something more and not having any idea how to find it.

Do we mean it, are we sincere in our "I love yous"?  I hope so, but who knows..

Years come and go, time passes all to quickly.  We raise our children with all that goes with that.  We grow older, problems come and go. Passions wain and we seem to seek excitement anywhere but home.  How could we let this happen?  Where did we get so lost that our thoughts turned to the outside instead of towards each other.  What happened to the young lovers who swore their allegiance to one and other regardless of the problems they faced?  Did we become so self absorbed that we forgot the person we made our vows too?  Are we so selfish that we forsook our partner for our own passions and needs?

When times get tough why do we escape anywhere but home, where it should be the safest and most loving?

Is it because it's to hard to face our innermost demons, to hard to admit our shortcomings, failures and fears? Don't you know that I am going through the same fears, insecurities as you?  That my longing for basic intimacy and communication is just as strong?

Your sexual ability to make love to me traditionally disappears due to illness so you turn outwards to strangers not realizing the worth of a husband is not the length and girth of his manhood.

For me, your wife, I have suffered through my own devastating sexual issues.  Painful intercourse after menopause, body changing and sagging, just cementing my self of body loathing and lack of self confidence even more, along with your distance. All this only intensifies my feelings of inadequacy as a woman, your partner, your wife.

Both sides insecure and both sides handling it so differently.

Your sleeping in the other room so you won't disturb me with your sleeplessness went from a week to years.  Again, only solidifying that as an older woman, I can no longer please you. I am no longer what you desire, no longer attractive to you; even though you yourself have aged in body and mind as well.  Why is it so different for a man?  Is it only the woman who needs to stay sexy, alive and vibrant?

You want  a sexy wife; when is the last time you put on an outfit for her to lust after.  Our society has made it so important for the wife to be slim, perky and always in attire to stimulate their man.  What about you?  Where does your responsibility lie?  It shouldn't be about facades, it is so much deeper and more intimate then that.  Years of working together, crying, laughing and just wanting the pain to end but enduring because your love is so strong.  Sagging, wrinkling, and aging is a sign of survival, nothing more.

But as you pull away because of your pride at not being able to fuck your wife for five hours, you neglected to see I changed too.  I can no longer handle the pain or traditional sex, yet I still yearn for your touch, sex in any other way than intercourse.  But you are conditioned from an early age that if you don't have a hard, huge penis, you can't please your woman.  How far from the truth is that? Miles and miles and miles.    So you search the internet for the nameless while I crave your familiar touch.

So in all this loneliness does one of you cross the line, go for it because you just can't see what is in front of you?  You bite that forbidden fruit, literally or figuratively. You go anywhere where you think you will be loved.  Anywhere but home.

Are you so blind that you can't see the love you are looking for is waiting for you. The excitement you think you lost, yet found outside is an impostor, a charlatan only looking out for themselves, not caring about you, just stroking their own ego; is this who you seek?  They could not care less about you or your life, your feelings, your past or your dreams.  An illusion to stroke their ego all the while lying to you while you lie to me.

Foolish person.  Open your eyes. He/She is right in front of you. Show love, compassion, kindness and understanding and it will come back.  The passion is there, it just got so lost and distorted we lost track of it.

Both of us, find it, nurture it and never let an outsider tell us our business or set inside our boundaries again.  Because they are just that, outsiders that we have a false impression of.  An illusion of the past, a more innocent time we all crave.  Don't you think I crave that as well.  Do you think I am content with life as it is?  A room mate, dinner companion and travel partner...  But it's important to remember why that outsider became outsiders to begin with.

You fell in love with me for a reason, remember what it was, and I you.  We need to work for it, do our share and more.  We can't let pride or ego get in our way.

So dear husband, learn from this, grow with me; realize my pain when I have it and understand why I have it as I will you.  Don't turn away because it is hard, turn towards me because it is where you belong and where we will find true happiness.

Love

Your wife